The soft drink company PepsiCo has offered an unusual defense against a lawsuit by a man who claims he found a dead mouse in a can of Mountain Dewa. The company's lawyers argued the claim can't possibly be true, because Mountain Dew would have dissolved the mouse and turned into a "jelly-like substance" if it had been in the can of soda for 15 months after it was bottled. "Is Mountain Dew really so corrosive that it can dissolve a mouse carcass?" asks MSNBC. "And if so, what does it do to your teeth and intestines?"
The Onion: With its firm grounding in honesty, loyalty to friends, and a strong spirit of generosity, the asinine ethical code of Kevin Premus has cost the 42-year-old idiot millions of dollars over the years, reports confirmed Friday. "It's as though he's operating under some kind of intangible but deep-seated conviction that being a fair, decent human being is somehow more valuable than making a quick buck," said Stanford University sociologist Anya Arneson said. Estimates indicate the dimwit could have amassed a net worth of $4.8 million dollars by his 40th birthday if he had simply been a cutthroat prick all his life.
The judge who allowed former Penn State coach Jerry Sandusky to be freed on $100,000 unsecured bail on charges he sexually abused eight boys volunteered for his Second Mile charity, the sports site Deadspin discovered. Unsecured bail means that no money has to be paid unless the defendant does not show up for trial. "I have never had a client who was charged with those counts released on unsecured bail," a Pennsylvania criminal defense attorney told Deadspin.
Actually, isn't this the way a union is supposed to work? The members pool their money via dues and then when they want to demonstrate and show their solidarity with other working folks, they take a little out of the pool to help them do that. After all, it's their own money we're talking about.