9. "Yes, I am happy to be here, even though I am a little jet-lagged from my trip to Malaysia. The lengths we have to go to get CNN coverage these days! I think they are still searching for their table."
8. "I admit it, last year was rough. Sheesh. At one point things got so bad, the 47 percent called Mitt Romney to apologize."
7. "Washington seems more dysfunctional than ever. Gridlock has gotten so bad in this town, we have to wonder: 'What did we do to piss off Chris Christie so bad?'"
6. "Michelle and I watched this, we cannot believe what these [Olympic snowboarders] do. Death-defying feats! I haven't seen somebody pull a 180 that fast since Rand Paul disinvited that Nevada rancher from this dinner."
5. "While you guys focus on the horserace, I'm going to do what I do. I'm going to be focused on everyday Americans. Just yesterday I read a heartbreaking letter...a Virginia man who's been stuck in the same part-time job for years, no respect from his boss, no chance to get ahead. I really wish Eric Cantor would stop writing me."
4. "Folks are saying, with my sagging poll numbers, my fellow Democrats don't really want me campaigning with them. And I don't think that's true, although I did notice the other day that Sasha needed a speaker at career day and she invited Bill Clinton."
3. "Just last month, a wonderful story - an American won the Boston Marathon for the first time in 30 years -- which was inspiring and only fair since a Kenyan has been president for the last six."
2. "These days, the House Republicans actually give John Boehner a harder time than they give me -- which means orange really is the new black."
1. "Let's face it, FOX, you will miss me when I'm gone. It will be harder to convince the American people that Hillary was born in Kenya."