NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - The historic profits notched by the nation's biggest banks are starting to have a positive impact on the broader economy, with the cocaine and hooker sectors showing striking gains.

Almost as impressive are the price advances in limousines, hotel rooms, and expensive jewelry for mistresses.

"We've never seen a rally in prices like this," said Tracy Klugian, an equities analyst who tracks the coke and hooker industries for Merrill Lynch. "Before the bank bailouts, the cost of a coke-fueled three-way with a couple of Russian prostitutes had hit rock bottom, but now it's through the roof."

While the surge in bank profits has so far done little to create new jobs, Mr. Klugian noted, "it's meant a huge increase in blow jobs." More here.