a summary of islam:
a long time ago a bunch of arabs were doing some horrible shit so god decided to stop 'em. in the past, god had sent down a bunch of bearded robed dudes to tell different groups of people what made him happy and what made him pissed, but after those dudes died of old age or got killed the people went right back to doin' bad shit.
anyway, the arabs were really BAD, and god knew there was only ONE arab guy who was decent-- this guy was devoted to his family and his wife, he always looked to treat people fairly, he never cheated in his business transactions, he mediated in arguments, and was pretty interested in religion as well, spendin' time around a bunch of dudes who read the torah and the bible and meditating on a regular basis in some nearby cave. so one day god sent an angel to meet this guy while he was meditating in the cave. the angel said, "yo, god wants a word wit' you" so this guy sez, "what up? shi-it I'm goin' MAD!" and runs home and tell his wife he thinks he's crazy.
anyway, this happened a couple mo' times before his wife tells him, "hey, maybe this ain't yer imagination. yer a pretty sane guy and everyone around knows it." so he goes back up the mountain again and listens to what that angel has to say. then he starts to get some heavy shit told to him by this angel. stuff about good and evil and what god wants people to do and all that.
so he goes back down the mountain and sez to some of the other arab guys, "yo, god be pissed at y'all, you know what i'm sayin? stop all yer lying and cheating and worshipping statues and buryin' newborn babies in the groun' or else he gonna do somethin' BAD to y'all."
most of the arab dudes that heard this thought it was complete crap, but knew that the dude who said it was from a well-respected family, and thought that he was always pretty harmless and all and was a good guy for solving some of their problems, so they didn't try to kill him.
anyway, there were some other people-- people from the ghetto that didn't have it so good and were bein' treated like shit, so THEY got what this guy was sayin' so they sez, "what do we got to do in order to make ourselves safe from god's asswhippin?" and he sez, "well, you gotta believe that there is only one big guy, god, who can whip yo' ass or give you paradise. there ain't no holy statues you can pray to, and no sons or other family members of god to pray to-- you know, all that crazy-ass shit they tell you in the churches up north. also, you gotta pray, but you gotta pray alot so you remember god and keep yourself from mistakes. most of you eat breakfast, lunch, a mid-afternoon snack, dinner, and dessert, right? well, you gotta pray kinda like as many times as you eat each day-- 5 times. you also gotta fast, which means both food and water to show self control and so you know what its like to not have food, and also so you keep humble so you think twice before you do bad shit, you gotta give some of your money, if you have any, to those in need, and finally at least once in yer life you gotta go to the main church down in the 'hood and show your loyalty to the big guy, if you have the money and the strength of course. and remember, no alcohol and no pork. you wouldn't eat a rat, right? well, same thing with the pig-- don't dine on swine. they're filthy. and no alcohol cuz even though it might make you feel good for a few hours, it makes you do bad shit.
