A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she is immediately touched by the amount of thought he has put into organizing the display.

There are small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She finds it strange for such an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears.

She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?"

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says, "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

Whats brown and sticky?

A stick

This rich woman is out for a night on the town. She get's fairly well inebriated before the chauffeur can convince her it's time to return home. She was met at the mansion's front door by her loyual servant, James. She told James, in a sultry voice, "James, take me upstairs!" James complies. After they get upstairs, she tells James to take her into her bedroom, which he does. Then then instructs James to take off her coat, which he does. Then her dress, which he does. Then her slip, which he does. Then her bra, which he does. Then, finally, her panties, which he does. Then she turns to James and says "James?" He says "Yes, Ma'am? "

"Stay the hell outta my clothes!"

A man visits his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn't wanted to
have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doctor tells the man to
send his wife in so that he can talk to her. The wife comes in to the
doctor's office, and the doctor asks her what is wrong -- why doesn't
she want to have sex with her husband?

The wife tells him, "For the last 7 months, every morning I take a cab
to work. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'So are you
going to pay today or what?' So I take an 'or what.' When I get to
work, I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down
in the book or what?' So I take an 'or what.' Back home, I take the cab
and again I don't have any money, so the cab driver asks me again, 'So
are you going to pay this time or what?' So again I take an 'or what.'
So you see, doctor, when I get home I'm all tired out, I don't want it
anymore."

The doctor says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"

Snow Job...

One winter morning a husband and wife in Denver were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

A Poodle and a Collie are walking together when the Poodle suddenly unloads on his friend.

"My life is a mess," he says. "My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a Schnauzer, and I'm jittery as a cat."

"Why don't you see a psychiatrist?" suggests the Collie.

"I can't," says the Poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch."

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung

A Foot and a Dick were having a conversation, The Foot says to the Dick "Man! My master treats me something terrible! Every morning he puts me in a sweatsock, then a stinky old shoe and makes me run 10 miles before breakfast!" The Dick thought about that for a second and replied "Dude, that ain't quite as bad as being stuffed into a small plastic bag and being forced to do push-ups 'til ya puke!"

PONDERISMS...

. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people
die of natural causes.

. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

. Life is sexually transmitted.

. Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.

. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they used to?

. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.

. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal..

. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?

. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'

. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are
going to look up there anyway?

. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

A bird breeder, who dealt with only species that are normally wild, not
parrots, canaries, or parakeets, had a difficult life, getting up early to
feed all his charges, never taking a vacation, working hard, and yet he
enjoyed his life. When the local newspaper interviewed him for a feature
story, they asked him if he was sorry about the life he'd chosen for
himself. His reply? "I have no egrets." --Cynthia MacGregor

Joe.

What's funnier?

A little musician humor:

An old rooster, getting ready to retire from his gig on the farm, invites some up-and-coming young roosters to audition for the choice gig.

The first young rooster shows up, and scats Dizzy's Groovin' High solo.

Nothing happens. The sun
doesn't rise. No dogs bark. There's no activity on the farm. The next young rooster steps up and does Bird's solo on Night In Tunisia; still nothing happens. A third, quite pompous rooster comes up and scats Trane's Giant Steps solo.

Nothing. No rising sun. No barking dogs. No motion.

The three young turks turn to the old guy, perplexed, and ask why their efforts were fruitless and what they should have done. Finally, the old rooster says, "Pay attention." He clears his throat, gives a little cough, and cries out,
"COCK A DOODLE DOO...COCK A DOODLE DOO!"
The sun rises! Dogs start barking! The farmer wakes up!

The old rooster looks at the younger ones, and shouts...

"I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU SAD MOTHERS FOR
YEARS:............YA GOTTA PLAY THE STANDARDS !!!"

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

I think I'm agnostic, but I haven't decided.

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?

What to do if seated next to a jerk...
on an airplane...

Seriously fucking funny AU!

Aww... it doesn't do anything when the timer runs out. I was at least expecting something cool to pop up.

ZOMBIE

Maybe this instructional video after 00:00:00 would be appropriate:

Husband and wife are watching TV one evening... some show with a psychologist discussing the details of what we typically call "mixed emotions."

"Garbage," said the husband, as he mutes the sound. "There's nothing you can say to me that'll make me both happy and mad at the same time."

His wife looks at him... looks at the muted TV... then looks back at him.

Then she speaks... "Just thought you'd like to know that out of all your friends you have the biggest penis."

LOL!

hahahahaha

This guy is walking along a dirt road when he stubbles upon an redneck lying on the ground with his ear in the dirt.

"Are you alright? What are you doing?" the man asks but gets no answer at all.

The redneck doesn't even acknowledge that he is there.

So after a while of silence the man asks again, "Can I help you sir?"

The redneck replies this time. "Ford pick-up truck, blue, 18 inch rims, two passengers, female driver."

"Wow! You can tell all that by listening to the ground!" the man says.

"NO" The redneck replies with a shocked look on his face "The bitch ran over me 10 minutes ago!

Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?

She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

What's the difference between Virginia and Alaska?
In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In Alaska it's a misdemeanor.

A guy and a girl had a bet over who could tell a better joke. The loser had to do whatever the winner wanted for the entire night.

So, the girl delivered her best joke and the guy spent several minutes laughing. He just couldn't stop.

When he finally composed himself, she asked him for his joke.

He knew he was really in trouble. That was really funny. So, he really thought about all the jokes he knew.

And, then he started the joke he had heard from his grandpa. It was risque, raunchy, and he figured it would put her in the mood as well as win the bet. As he was approaching the punchline he sta

What's the difference between Princess Di and Tiger Woods?
Tiger Woods has a reliable driver

Chinese couple's in bed. Husband says, "I want a sixty-nine."
His wife says, "You want beef and broccoli now?"

What does it mean when the flag at the post office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring

"You want beef and broccoli now?"

Posted by AMERICANUNITY

Well well....this oldie from the one who is more mature than a 16-year-old? Checkmate.

* All teaparty leaders walk into a bar, which is on a cargo ship bound for the libertarian paradise - aka Somalia - where they go Galt. We live happily ever after.

* All teaparty leaders walk into a bar, which is a COMMUNIST bar RUN by a SOCIALIST who's part of BHO's Cloward-PIVEN scheme.

#37 | Posted by LonewackoDotCom at 2010-03-13 12:16 AM | Reply | Flag:
Seriously suffers from Obama Derangement Syndrome.

Pregnant women are sitting in an doctor's office, when a redhead announces to the group that she is going to have a little girl.

great, then they ask... how do you know?

I was on top, so it's going to be a girl

A brunette pauses, and say Oh, then I'm gonna have a little boy...

60 seconds later, the blonde just starts crying. Big, hysterical tears.

What's wrong, the ladies ask...

I'm gonna have puppies!