Drudge Retort: Red Meat for Yellow Dogs
Thursday, March 11, 2010

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A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress is cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.

"Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands.

"No" he replies, "I'm just the manager."

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.

"I''m afraid I can't," breathes the manager clearly aroused. "He's in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message."

She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

Q: Why don't midgets wear tampons?

A: They trip over the strings

Why do they call it "hyper-text"?

Too much Java!

/Meh, at least Rcade might like it.

Be Well.

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"

Q: Why does a blonde always fail her road test?

A: Because every time the car stops, she jumps in the backseat!

What's the difference between a ska band and a moose?

A moose has horns in the front and its asshole in the back, a ska band has...

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium." - SWright

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered". On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face ... Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Couple of minutes ago."

In honor of Douglas Adams birthday I offer this amussing little quote-

"There is an art, it says, or rather, a knack to flying. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss..."

Time magazine sent a survey to women in Arkansas, asking for their opinions on the Clinton Sex Scandal. One of the questions: Would you ever have an affair with Bill Clinton? The results were staggering!

5% No
3% Yes
92% Never Again

Only in America are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

What do Al Gore and Pantyhose have in common?

They both irritate Ann Coulter.

Q: Why does Larry Craig wear pants?

A: To keep his ankles warm!

Post-coital conversation.

He: I know you really enjoyed that by the way you curled yer toes.

She: Well, if you'd given me enough time to take my pantyhose off first...

Be Well.

Thank you Asimov for this gem:

As is well known, in this thirtieth century of ours, space travel is fearfully dull and time-consuming. In search of diversion, many crew members defy the quarantine restrictions and pick up pets from the various habitable worlds they explore.

Jim Sloane had a rockette, which he called Teddy. It just sat there, looking like a rock, but sometimes it lifted a lower edge and sucked in powdered sugar. That was all it ate. No one ever saw it move, but every once in a while, it wasn't quite where people thought it was. There was a theory that it moved when no one was looking. Bob Laverty had a heli-worm he called Dolly. It was green and carried on photosynthesis. Sometimes it moved to get into better light and when it did so it coiled its wormlike body and inched along very slowly like a turning helix.

One day, Jim Sloane challenged Bob Laverty to a race. "My Teddy," he said, "can beat your Dolly." "Your Teddy," scoffed Laverty, "doesn't move." "Bet!" said Sloane. The whole crew got into the act. Even the captain risked half a credit. Everyone bet on Dolly. At least she moved. Jim Sloane covered it all. He had been saving his salary through three trips and he put every millicredit of it on Teddy. The race started at one end of the grand salon. At the other end, a heap of sugar had been placed for Teddy and a spotlight for Dolly.

Dolly formed a coil at once and began to spiral its way very slowly toward the light. The watching crew cheered it on. Teddy just sat there without budging. "Sugar, Teddy. Sugar," said Sloane, pointing. Teddy did not move. It looked more like a rock than ever, but Sloane did not seem concerned. Finally, when Dolly had spiraled halfway across the salon, Jim Sloane said casually to his rockette, "If you don't get out there, Teddy, I'm going to get a hammer and chip you into pebbles." That was when people first discovered that rockettes could read minds. That was also when people first discovered that rockettes could teleport. Sloane had no sooner made his threat when Teddy simply disappeared from his place and reappeared on top of the sugar.

Sloane won, of course, and he counted his winnings slowly and luxuriously. Laverty said bitterly, "You knew the damn thing could teleport." "No, I didn't," said Sloane, "but I knew he would win. It was a sure thing." "How come?" "It's an old saying everyone knows. Sloane's Teddy wins the race."

Descartes walks into a bar and the bartender asks him if he wants a Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Descartes sneers... That swill? I think not!

Then he immediately disappeared.

Be Well.

/Think about it.
//You'll get it eventually.

A new teacher tries to make use of her psychology courses. The first day of class, she starts by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stands up. The teacher asks, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

Q. What did the Captain of the High Speed Ferry say right before he hit a huge Iceberg on Lake Michigan?
A. Nothing. There wasn't one.

You're as sharp as a marble.

Better than being a bullshitter.

WISGOD is walking aimlessly through a forest.

A tree falls on him.

Does anyone care?

No

You're such a simple minded little twerp. Some friend sends me an email, which I acknowledge was in error, and you're still babbling on about it a year later?

Loser

Boo hoo.

Why don't you slip into something comfortable...like a coma.

When AmericanUnity was born, the Doctor looked at his face, turned him over and said "Look! Twins!"

I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my ass!

Last night AU's wife met him at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

If brains were dynamite, you couldn't blow your nose

WISGOD's head is so far up his ass, his body's a hat.

AU,

Are you familiar with the DR legend of Frank Cotton or was that before your time?

When Wisgoof was born the doctor took one look at him and slapped his mother.

One night Wisgoof, 101 Airhorn and Jakoff were talking about how ugly their wives were. Not able to settle it there they headed off to see for themselves. When they got to Jakoff house he knocked and his wife opened the door. Airhorn threw up but Wisgoof only retched a little. When they got to Airhorn's house he knocked and the little lady weighing 300 pounds opened the door making Jakoff cry out for eyebleach.

Finally, they arrived at Wisgoof's house and he took them around to the cellar door at the back of the house. He unlocked the chain and knocked on the door and yelled "Honey, get up here".

"Should I wear the bag over my head?" she asked.

Naw, sed Wisgoof, I don't wanna fuck you I just want you to meet some people.

Be Well.

Don't know him. Why? Was he a twit of a troll like WISGOD?

Q: What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

A: Pregnant.

Spud had a shitty childhood. When he took his first step, his Father tripped him.

WISGOD's so dumb, that when he was driving to the airport, he saw a sign that read, "Airport Left," so he turned around and went home.

AU and his wife were happy for 20 years...then they met.

AU's Doctor told him to watch his drinking....Now he drinks in front of a Mirror.

Q: What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?

A: "Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"

Kid goes home from school one day and tells his dad that he's been offered a role in the school play.

"What role is it?" asked the Dad.

"I'd play a guy who's been married for twenty years" sed the kid.

"That's no good", sputtered the Dad, "You should hold out for a speaking part"

Be Well.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a prostitute?

A: A two-ton pick-up.

WISGOD's wife is so fat, the elephants at the zoo throw her peanuts.

WISGOD's teeth have so many gaps, people don't know whether to laugh or kick a field goal.

Q: What does XXX stand for in a porno film?

A: It's the signature of the three blondes who "act" in it.

A blonde and a redhead are taken hostage by terrorists. The women are taken to a remote island and put before a firing squad.

Just before the squad fires, the redhead points and yells, "Tornado!" The terrorists run in all different directions, and the redhead escapes.

When they realize what has happened, the terrorists come back to where the blonde is still standing. They raise their rifles, and thinking quickly, the blonde points and yells, "Fire!"

Q: What do hillbilly chicks and polar bears have in common?

A: They both lick their paws.

A well known Sex Therapist was holding a seminar at a convention center. There were about a thousand people in attendance. She asked the crowd "How many people here have sex three or more times a week?"
Roughly half of them raised their hands.
"How many of you have sex only once a week?"
a few hundred more raised their hands.
"How many have sex twice a month?"
a few hundred more raised their hands .
"How about every six months?"
a few dozen hands raisd throughout the crowd.

:Is there anybody here who only has sex once a year?"
Way in the back, AU stands up and starts screaming "I do! I do! I do!"

The Sex Therapist says "Wow! You seem to be awfully happy about that fact! Do you mind if I ask why?"

AU yells back "Because tonights the night!"

;^)

A1's wife is so fat, when she went skydiving, she caused an eclipse.

:-)

This blonde walks into a biker bar and orders a Budweiser. She drinks it, then orders another. By the time she's finished it, she's drunk and spread out all over the pool table screwing everyone in the bar. The bartender finds her ID and drives her home after everyone is finished. She comes back into the same bar the next night and orders a Miller Lite. The bartender says "I thought you drank Budweiser?" She replied "Yeah, but here lately it makes my pussy hurt..."

HAha! That's fat!

Three young boys were fighting over whose dad was the best.

"My dad is so good he can shoot an arrow, run after it, get in front of it, and catch it in his bare hands."

"My dad is so good that he can shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hands."

"I've got you both beat. My dad's so good because he works for the state. He gets off work at 5:00 and he's home by 3:15."

HAha! That's fat!

LOL

AU's wife made him join a bridge club. He jumps off next Tuesday.

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"

49 | Posted by American1st

LOL!!!!!!

Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?

A: Because red means stop.

A couple days ago, I was crossing this bridge, and there was this character standing there with a cup in his hand. He goes, 'Hey, can you help out my wife and family?' I said, 'Sure.' And I pushed him off the bridge.

During sex, AU's wife always wants to talk to him. Just the other night she called him from a hotel.

A1st

Found another dandy 'fatty wife':

Your wife's so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck.

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup.

She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked "why?" and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

Q: What's the difference between the Chesapeake Bay and WISGOD's wife?

A: The Chesapeake Bay is losing its crab population.

WISGOD and his wife were celebrating their anniversary, so he bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown.

Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed WIS who said, "My word, for $250 they could've at least ironed it!"

AU's wife is so ugly, when he took her to the top of the Empire State building, planes started to attack her.

WISGOD goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.

"Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says.

The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.

Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused.

"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers.. you should try drinking Guinness.

That makes things grow."

Two months later WISGOD returned to the doctor with a big smile on his face.

He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.

"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.

"Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American beer!"

These two hillbillies lived across the river from each other. "Clarence" and "A1" were fueding, too. Every morning, A1 would go down to the riverbank and hurl insults across the river at Clarence, who would enthusiastically throw them back. A1 would tire of this, then go back to the house and complain to his wife 'If I had a good way across that river, I'd go over there and kick the living shit outta Clarence!" This went on for about 10 years. Every day. Finally, the state decided they need a bridge just about a quarter-mile downstream fro A1's house. He told his wife every morning "As soon as they get that bridge finished, I'm gonna walk right down there, walk right across that bridge, walk right back up to Clarence's house and kick the shit outta him."The Big Day came. A1 got up, had a good breakfast, and set out down the river. He was gone about 30 minutes when he came back in muttering under his breath "I ain'ta gonna do it! I ain'ta gonna do it!" His wife asked what it was he wasn't gonna do. "Go to Clarence's" A1 replied. His wife asked him :"Why in the hell, after all this talk and bluster for how damned many years, aren't you gonna do it?"
A1 saiys "Well, I had every intention of doing it, until I got to the new bridge. I was started across it, when I happened to look up, and there was a sign that said "Clearance: 13ft 6 Inches" You know, that sumbitch doesn't look anywhere near that tall from this side of the river!"

WISGOD

I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you

When AU was a child, his parents hated him. His bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

You'e the kind of a man that others use as a blueprint to build an idiot.

AU's father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a prostitute?

A: A two-ton pick-up.

...or a girl who'll do you fer a peanut.

Be Well.

/Yo Mama so fat that the back of her neck looks like a package of hotdogs.

//So fat that when she jumped in the air she got stuck.

///So fat that she's got more Chins than a Chinese phone book.

WISGOD

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

#3 | Posted by dethspud

I'm still chuckling over that one...

AU went to a hooker and dropped his pants....she dropped her price.

Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster and an electric pole?

A: Thirty foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone..

#74 | Posted by wisgod

LOL! That's funny.

AU's wife has alot of pimples too. One day she fell asleep in a library and woke up to a blind man reading her face.

WISGOD's wife took one look on their wedding night:

"Looks like a penis ... but smaller"

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

WISGOD: I just got back from a pleasure trip - I drove my wife to the airport.

#79 | Posted by American1st

LOL! Probably all true!

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.

- A conversation between Lady Astor and Winston Churchill

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife was not wearing
any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.

Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" John admitted that, well, yes he did. She said "You can have it, but it will cost you
$100." After a minute or two, John indicated that he was interested. She informed him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house
around 2:00 PM on Friday.

Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex, and then John left. Bill came home about 6:00 PM. He asked his wife,
"Did John come by this afternoon?" Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?" She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!'

Finally she says, "Yes, he did give me $100." "Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his
way home and pay me back.

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "AU, what are you doing?" AU replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters AU's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well AU, how are you doing?" AU says, "I just got into Chicago". "Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves AU's room and goes across the hall into Wis's room, and finds Wis sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks, "Wis, what are you doing?!" Wis exclaims, "I'm screwing AU's wife while he's in Chicago!"

LOL! I just realized the Google ads at the bottom of the comment column are "Ads by Google Old Age Birthday Jokes Funny Funny Free Jokes Pictures Jokes Drudge Report com "

Later, blog..

LOL

#83 | Posted by American1st

LOL!

Later for me too. Have yourselves a good one (you too WISGOD)

LOL! I just realized the Google ads at the bottom of the comment column are "Ads by Google Old Age Birthday Jokes Funny Funny Free Jokes Pictures Jokes Drudge Report com "

That's better than the ones that come up when we have a gay thread. Seriously. Have you ever noticed those?

Hey you guys, what's with all the dumb blonde jokes!

There're plenty of dumb brunettes and redheads to go around. lol

Glad to see you decided to use "LOL" in the headline, AU.

Good idea just adding on the day of the week. Makes it simple and easy to keep track.

We'll be sure to add redhead and brunette jokes - if they exist LOL

(I've used up my two threads for the day, so no Friday Joke thread unless someone else wants to start it)

What`s a brunette`s mating call? "Has the blonde left yet?"

BTW, CHRIS

Check out the story on the Back Page "Australian Love Story". Pretty cool. I got it in an email today and uploaded all the pics. Don't know the person from Adam, but it's a really neat story.

Mr Goldberg and Mr Wong are sitting in a bar having a few drinks when Mr Goldberg suddenly smacks Mr Wong in the back in the head.

"What was THAT for?" asked Mr Wong.

"That was for Pearl Harbor!"

"But I'm Chinese not Japanese." complained the man.

"Meh, Chinese, Japanese, all the same to me".

Mr Wong reflects on this and has another drink after which he walks over to Mr Goldberg and smacks him in the back in the head.

"What was THAT for?" Mr Goldberg asked.

"THAT was for sinking the Titanic" sed Mr Wong.

"WTF? The Titanic was sunk by an iceberg.

"Meh, Iceberg, Goldberg, all the same to me"

* rim-shot *

Be Well.

"I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts."

~Will Rogers

Be Well.

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