The economy is so bad that:If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

The economy is so bad The Mafia is laying off judges

A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial. "Jury trial," the defendant replied. "Do you understand the difference?" asked the judge. "Sure," replied the defendant. "That's where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one."

A man owned a very intelligent dog so, after a long period of time, taught him how to play poker. The dog did very well and won a lot of pots until the owner had to pull him out of the games. "He realized that whenever the dog held a really good hand he wagged his tail."

A man is being interviewed for a job. "What are your qualifications for the job of night watchman?" "The slightest noise wakes me up."

Q. Why can't a blonde dial 911?
A. She can't find the eleven

I'm reading an incredibly interesting book about antigravity.
"I just can't put it down."

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?"
I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

There was a power outage at a department store in Arkansas yesterday.

Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French looking girl.

She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read in two different languages.

I have a microwave fireplace in my house...

The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

I installed a skylight in my apartment....

The people who live above me are furious!

I find that ducks' opinion of my is highly dependant on whether or not I have bread.

"I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future."

how can you be a winner and a loser at the same time?

employee of the month

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies." So I did.
Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars"...

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.
So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

Isn't it unfair that Monopoly is only made by one company?

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

TY Steven Wright

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

"I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future."

LOL! Good one!

I liked that one too.

AU

Did you ever do any stand-up comedy? Seriously. I know you were on the road in the music biz . Just wondering if you had ever tried comedy too.

I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.

Don't have any tattoos but...

CHRIS

Na. Those are all other people's jokes. Most of the one liners are Steven Wright.

I just got a wild hair and thought a joke thread might be a nice break from the usual political battles of will that go on here.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

#29 | Posted by AMERICANUNITY at 2010-03-11 01:27 AM | Reply | Flag:

Very good. I say loud the mime.

Don't have any tattoos but...

"..." ????

Englishman comes home from the war and finds his wife in bed with three sailors.

He takes a look around the room and says, "well, allo allo allo".

His wife says, "does this mean you ain't speakin' ta me?"

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "Okay, now what?"

I just got a wild hair and thought a joke thread might be a nice break from the usual political battles of will that go on here.

Great idea, AU.

I've used up my two by just posting a Toyota thread, Chris.

You wanna start 'Joke Thread - Thursday'?

I'll post some more.

:-)

Let me know if you're willing, Chris

:-)

We could even have a 'Comedian Of The Day'.

(just copy the 'Embed' code and paste it in the "Body" section where you write a new blog entry)

Plenty to choose from here:

You wanna start 'Joke Thread - Thursday'?

I'll post some more.

:-)

AU

I don't want to promise and then maybe not have the chance. You sort of have to stick around to help get this type of thread going. It's just that lately I've been real busy, so only get to pop in here whenever I get a chance.

How about running a weekly comedy thread (or whenever you feel like putting it up). Just be sure you keep using the same title so it becomes routine and everyone knows what it's about.

I would just keep using this same simple headline every time: "LOL"

We know how many "comedians" run amok in this place. : )

We know how many "comedians" run amok in this place. : )

Ya, can't wait for the dead puppy jokes. LOL

BTW, I was only talking about today

This one was funny:

"I'll just tell you this, if this passes and it's five years from now and all that stuff gets implemented -- I am leaving the country. I'll go to Costa Rica."

The only way that would be far enough is if he's wearing a toe tag.

Posted by MaryTylerWhore at 2010-03-10 10:45 AM

"We live in a world where John Lennon was murdered, yet Barry Manilow continues to put out fucking albums. God-dammit! If you're gonna kill somebody, have some fucking taste. I'll drive you to Kenny Rogers' house."

~Bill Hicks

Gool idear, AU.

Be Well.

/Ju guessed it, mang
stage left.

K, one more Hicks joke this time with a southern flava.

I've noticed a certain anti-intellectualism going around this country; since about 1980, oddly enough. I was in Nashville, Tennessee, and after the show I went to a Waffle House. I'm not proud of it, but I was hungry. And I'm sitting there eating and reading a book. I don't know anybody, I'm alone, so I'm reading a book. The waitress comes over to me like, [gum smacking] "What'chu readin' for?" I had never been asked that. Not "What am I reading?", but "What am I reading for?" Goddangit, you stumped me. Hmm, why do I read? I suppose I read for a lot of reasons, one of the main ones being so I don't end up being a fucking waffle waitress.

~BH

Be Well.

"I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I ordered French Toast in the Renaissance."

~Steven Wright

Be Well.