11. Do not hustle the lobsters. That is, do not say, "We only have two lobsters left." Even if there are only two lobsters left.

12. Do not touch the rim of a water glass. Or any other glass.

13. Handle wine glasses by their stems and silverware by the handles.

14. When you ask, "How's everything?" or "How was the meal?" listen to the answer and fix whatever is not right.

15. Never say "I don't know" to any question without following with, "I'll find out."

16. If someone requests more sauce or gravy or cheese, bring a side dish of same. No pouring. Let them help themselves.

17. Do not take an empty plate from one guest while others are still eating the same course. Wait, wait, wait.

18. Know before approaching a table who has ordered what. Do not ask, "Who's having the shrimp?"

19. Offer guests butter and/or olive oil with their bread.

20. Never refuse to substitute one vegetable for another.

21. Never serve anything that looks creepy or runny or wrong.

22. If someone is unsure about a wine choice, help him. That might mean sending someone else to the table or offering a taste or two.

23. If someone likes a wine, steam the label off the bottle and give it to the guest with the bill. It has the year, the vintner, the importer, etc.

24. Never use the same glass for a second drink.

25. Make sure the glasses are clean. Inspect them before placing them on the table.

26. Never assume people want their white wine in an ice bucket. Inquire.

27. For red wine, ask if the guests want to pour their own or prefer the waiter to pour.

28. Do not put your hands all over the spout of a wine bottle while removing the cork.

29. Do not pop a champagne cork. Remove it quietly, gracefully. The less noise the better.

30. Never let the wine bottle touch the glass into which you are pouring. No one wants to drink the dust or dirt from the bottle.

31. Never remove a plate full of food without asking what went wrong. Obviously, something went wrong.

32. Never touch a customer. No excuses. Do not do it. Do not brush them, move them, wipe them or dust them.

33. Do not bang into chairs or tables when passing by.

34. Do not have a personal conversation with another server within earshot of customers.

35. Do not eat or drink in plain view of guests.

36. Never reek from perfume or cigarettes. People want to smell the food and beverage.

37. Do not drink alcohol on the job, even if invited by the guests. "Not when I'm on duty" will suffice.

38.Do not call a guy a "dude."

39. Do not call a woman "lady."

40. Never say, "Good choice," implying that other choices are bad.

41. Saying, "No problem" is a problem. It has a tone of insincerity or sarcasm. "My pleasure" or "You're welcome" will do.

42. Do not compliment a guest's attire or hairdo or makeup. You are insulting someone else.

43. Never mention what your favorite dessert is. It's irrelevant.

44. Do not discuss your own eating habits, be you vegan or lactose intolerant or diabetic.

45. Do not curse, no matter how young or hip the guests.

46. Never acknowledge any one guest over and above any other. All guests are equal.

47. Do not gossip about co-workers or guests within earshot of guests.

48. Do not ask what someone is eating or drinking when they ask for more; remember or consult the order.

49. Never mention the tip, unless asked.

50. Do not turn on the charm when it's tip time. Be consistent throughout.

Damn DOC your on a roll, I was just going to say...

1) Do not pick your nose while taking the customers order...

I got up and left her with that tip of advice...

NEVER fry chicken in the nude. Trust me on this one.

"NEVER fry chicken in the nude. Trust me on this one."

LOL Nanc

I was making breakfast before church yesterday and bacon grease splattered between two of my fingers and hurt badly..lol...I can't imagine getting burned in um..other places.

Why you would subject yourself to getting splattered while nude, I'll never understand!! lol

Next time, just try baking a pie in the nude!

"NEVER fry chicken in the nude."

It was for a summer picnic back in the seventies - since I'd just exited the shower, I thought, "What the hey?!? Just fry the chicken BEFORE you get dressed!"

LOL Zat!!

Nanc? Is that you?? No wonder your hair is so curly!!!

Wait...after THAT, you wouldn't even have any hair!!

LOL

BWAH!

I've got a minor problem with #10. If a special is really good, I wouldn't mind hearing that it's somebody's personal favorite. Especially if it was the chef's personal favorite.

"I've got a minor problem with #10. If a special is really good, I wouldn't mind hearing that it's somebody's personal favorite. Especially if it was the chef's personal favorite."

Agreed.

Also, I've appreciated it when, occasionally, a server conveys me a message by giving a discrete shrug or perhaps raising their eyebrows while rolling their eyes and holding their nose -- or, if that's too subtle, sticking a finger down their throat and boaking up their ring -- that something's just...not...quite...right with a particular item on offer.

Some useless trivia.

Know why Your champaign is all "bubbly" when first poured into a glass?? It's fine microscopic dust particles floating to the surface of the glass.

Larry

Agreed. If I go to a place that has a chef --a real, trained Chef, not a cook-- I usually convey to the server that the Chef can decide what I'll have. They know what's good/fresh more than I do.

I bartended in college at a college bar and a high-end 5 star. As a server you never ask the customer about the food in a classy restaurant.

"Is everything OK?"
WTF!
At $90 a bottle or $120 a plate it damned well better be OK. It's your fucking job to make sure it was "OK" before you brought it out. No need to come back and ask me if you're doing your job.

ummm larry no it's not.

fermentation is what causes the bubbles.

do a search on "why is champagne bubbly"

Scientists at the University of Reims, France have discovered that tiny gas pockets and fibers stuck on the inside of a glassfrom dust or a towel used for dryinginfluence the timing of the bubble trains.

"Fibers entrap a tiny air pocket when Champagne is poured," said physicist Gerard Liger-Belair. "Then, this tiny air pocket literally sucks the [dissolved] carbon dioxide."

The gas bubbles grow inside the fibers, detaching from them once they reach the tip of a fiber.

Filming bubbles in a lab setting with high-speed cameras, Liger-Belair observed that as the concentration of carbon dioxide decreases in the Champagne, the distance between bubbles can suddenly change. That's why your celebratory beverage bubbles at different rates as you sip.

"This tiny bubbling system is the smallest bubbling system presenting such instabilities ever observed," Liger-Belair told LiveScience. "And what a beguiling place to discover it!"

BWAH!

#10 | Posted by nanc at 2009-11-02 10:51 AM

Another hairball.

ummm larry no it's not.

fermentation is what causes the bubbles.

do a search on "why is champagne bubbly"

#15 | Posted by cjk85 at 2009-11-02 01:01 PM | Reply | Flag: Flag: (Choose)
FunnyNewsworthyOffensiveAbusiv
e

#15: Actually you and Larry are both right. Fermentation in a sealed bottle puts the gas (CO2) in the champagne, but it is the microscopic imperfections in a glass or impurities in the liquid that cause it to form bubbles

no sir you are the dumbass. the dissolved co2, the source of the bubbles, it sticks to the dust particles, creating the "bubble trains". the dust particles do not create the carbonation. the carbonation is already there.

"Know why Your champaign is all "bubbly" when first poured into a glass?? It's fine microscopic dust particles floating to the surface of the glass."

shake a bottle of champagne and then pop the cork. fuck the cup.

NEVER fry chicken in the nude. Trust me on this one.

#4 | Posted by nanc

Then what should the chicken be wearing?

shake a bottle of champagne and then pop the cork. fuck the cup.

It is the same principle. (same with soda) When you shake it, you temporarily suspend millions of bubbles in the liquid. When pressure is released (bottle opened) these millions of bubbles act as the single dust fiber does in the glass sucking CO2 out of the liquid, but x millions. Hence the mess.

"Why you would subject yourself to getting splattered while nude, I'll never understand!!"

She is a Masocriscoist.

Well, so I guess The Varsity in Atlanta where you go down the line and they shout "What'll ya have, what'll ya have?" somewhat fails in restaurant etiquette.

#51

Don't go in to the walk in reefer and suck all the nitrous oxide from all the whipped cream cans. Your pies will look like shit, but what the hell, you'll be laughing your ass off.

#52

Never, for whatever reason, stick your tongue to the wall of a walk-in freezer.

(speaking from personal experience)

I worked in a country club restaurant when I was in HS (bus boy and dishwasher). We used to sneak in the freezer and suck the N2O out of the whipping cream containers all the time. The cook would get so pissed at us. He said to go in the walk in and do pot hits if we wanted to get high and he wouldn't say anything. LOL

30. Never let the wine bottle touch the glass into which you are pouring. No one wants to drink the dust or dirt from the bottle.

I call bullshit on the excuse of possible dust or dirt on the bottle as the explanation for this rule. Obviously there would not be any dirt or dust. This rule ought to be Don't Spill the Wine. Trying to so rigidly adhere to this rule will in itself cause unfortunate spills sometimes. One should do whatever it takes to get the aim right. Especially difficult is the attempt to pour into a glass held by someone else. Put the glass down.

#51: Do not refer to a couple as "you guys". Ever.

#53

No audible farts. They must be silent.

Never kneel by a table as if waiting to be knighted or petted on the head like a dog. Have some dignity in your work.

I call bullshit on the excuse of possible dust or dirt on the bottle as the explanation for this rule. Obviously there would not be any dirt or dust. This rule ought to be Don't Spill the Wine. Trying to so rigidly adhere to this rule will in itself cause unfortunate spills sometimes. One should do whatever it takes to get the aim right. Especially difficult is the attempt to pour into a glass held by someone else. Put the glass down.

#28 | Posted by grumpy_too at 2009-11-02 07:30 PM

I have yet to pour a glass of wine without some dripping down the side of the bottle. And a few drops getting on the table. Good thing I'm not a waiter!

#54

If you are a waitress, wear low cut tops, and find excuses to lean over the table.

I was a cook for a while. I can agree with most of it. Hope he does well.

#53

Never ask a really good looking female customer, "Would you like some cream on that pie?" And don't ever say "it's pretty big, you might have trouble getting your mouth around it, but I think you're going to like it."

#34 | Posted by wurster

Huh? Are you gay?

Sorry Wurster that reminded me of the day I got fired for doing exactly that.

#35 | POSTED BY DXLINGR

Gay? No.

When I was cooking, one of the waiters would always say shit like that to the lady customers. I still think its funnier than hell.

"Why you would subject yourself to getting splattered while nude, I'll never understand!! lol

#5 | Posted by Lisa"

Quit being so judgmental - some women like pearl necklaces.

I can remember one night when I was cooking (there was a annual horse ride that came through and all these filthy rich wannabe cowboys(all hat) would bring the hookers in for a steak dinner and whoop it up) and I saw this lady blowing this guy right in front of everybody.

They knew I saw and they threw some dollars my way for hush money.

They forgot...
#55
Never ask if they want change, just bring it. If I want want you to keep the change, I'll tell you.

7. Do not announce your name. No jokes, no flirting, no cuteness.

Way to minimize your tip

Come on, Chezwegro, where are you?

"NEVER fry chicken in the nude. Trust me on this one."

LOL Nanc
I was making breakfast before church yesterday and bacon grease splattered between two of my fingers and hurt badly..lol...I can't imagine getting burned in um..other places.
Why you would subject yourself to getting splattered while nude, I'll never understand!! lol
Next time, just try baking a pie in the nude!
#5 | Posted by Lisa at 2009-11-02 10:45 AM

Try ice and neutralize with vinegar. White for alkaline burns (cleansers), apple cider for acidic and heat burns. Pickle juice in a pinch.

#43 - you are over 30 years too late.

Aloe vera reduces scars.

Aloe vera reduces scars.

Posted by redlightrobot at 2009-11-03 12:23 AM | Reply

So too living inside of a bubble.

All 50 suggestions were fairly good ones.

I worked as a waitress and/or a cocktail waitress to pay my way through college -- both at regular restaurants and fancy ones -- and found those rules were on the mark for most of the places where I worked. I had some of my best and funniest times doing that type of work. You'd meet all kinds of people. Used to come home some nights with the craziest stories.

#43 - you are over 30 years too late.
#44 | Posted by nanc at 2009-11-03 12:20 AM

Just sharing the kitchen wisdom. Try coffee in case of Kitkat or Babe Ruth soul-sucking time-released curses.

I can remember one night when I was cooking (there was a annual horse ride that came through and all these filthy rich wannabe cowboys(all hat) would bring the hookers in for a steak dinner and whoop it up) and I saw this lady blowing this guy right in front of everybody.
They knew I saw and they threw some dollars my way for hush money.
#39 | Posted by dxlingr at 2009-11-02 09:36 PM

All that's missing are platters of coke and lube. Try clear heels for tips.

"Aloe vera reduces scars.
Posted by redlightrobot at 2009-11-03 12:23 AM | Reply"

So too living inside of a bubble.
#46 | Posted by LarryMohr at 2009-11-03 12:29 AM

For stubborn, set-in assholes try a rectal lobotomy.:]

I don't understand why I can't announce my name? I was in the industry for about 8 years, I always led with my name...

If it looks like crap and it smells like crap, serve it anyway. Half the country doesn't know the difference and the half that do are lousy tippers anyway.

I don't understand why I can't announce my name? I was in the industry for about 8 years, I always led with my name...

Well, at least you name wasn't GUTSnGAS.

This guy has some good points.

However, he also says a few things that reveal the presence of a large object way too far up his ass. If he's already this wound up, running a restaurant may not be the best course of action.