My father is also dead. 10 years now. I don't think about him every day, but when i do think about him is when the going gets tough or something challenging is going on.
He taught me to always, always have clean clothes, have my shirt tucked in and to have my hair combed, even if I was working on a car or mowing the lawn.
He taught me that some things are worth fighting for. He taught me that the strong survive.
That was why it was so difficult for me to watch him become old and afraid.
I never saw my dad cry until one day during that time. He had just had his third heart surgery. As you may know, sometimes patients get very depressed after heart surgery. So he had had shock treatments, which sometimes wipes away all your recent memories, but leaves the old memories.
On this day, I came to his place and found him staring at the wall, disconnected, not dressed (which is very usual for him). He started talking about how pointless life was. He wanted to kill himself, he says.
So I went and got his pistol, chambered a shell, handed it to him and said, 'Do it'. He said, 'what are you talking about'. I said, 'You want to kill yourself and I want you to be happy, so I am handing you the means to do it, So DO IT, or don't, but stop saying you want to do it if you don't'.
There are moments in life that are burned in our brains forever. This was one for me because I wasn't expecting what he did next. He unloaded the gun, sat it down and started laughing.
Great wonderful laughing. Like I hadn't heard from him for years. He was very happy the rest of the day because he felt like he was talking to an old friend, not someone who's gonna nag him if he lights a cigarette. He asked me to forgive him for never being there, for being so tough, for divorcing my mother. He told me (for the first time) that he was very proud of me for all the success I had and that he was especially proud that I conducted myself with class. He was a redneck and an uneducated fellow, but he was a classy dude, he had some real style.
As it turns out, it was the last good day I would ever have with him as he died within days from another heart attack.
The personal strength that he taught me is all that i am today. For that, I honor him. For his sense of humor, I miss him. For his optimisism, even when there was no reason for it, I pain for his guidance.
For him being my past best friend, I am crying.
