Well, farting is bad for the environment. Don't you know it causes global wamring? Throw the little bastard in Guantanamo and let him rot there! How dare he pollute our air!

I watched a guy get fired for farting once upon a time, it was funny.

When I was in middle school, I let out a quiet one standing in front of the teacher. She gave this gas face that I will never forget. Even today, I will try to hold it around people...

I guess, given this mentality, people will soon be arrested for giving dirty looks...........

I was riding the down elevator to the lobby from the top floor (80 stories or so) of a midtown NYC building a few years ago. Dressed casually in jeans (I can do that in my biz) I was getting condescending looks from the self important businessmen riding in my elevator.

Having eaten Mexican food at The Blue Moon the night before, I was able to release an eye burning "silent but deadly" fart just before I let myself off at the next available floor - and let them ride down the rest of the way (60 floors or so) with my fart.

I turned around when I got off and peered into the elevator as the door closed. The looks on their faces were priceless.

He he he he he

He he he OOHRAH

I was really proud of myself!!

Because I spend most of my time in a bed, it has the affect of causing gas. Lots and lots of gas. There are times when you just hope to hell that no one enters the room because of the ungodly stink. When I was still in the hospital, a nurse came into the room for a medicine change for the next bed. I had just let loose of something just this side of solid. She got that awful look and asked who poo pooed. I looked her in the face and admitted that it was only my fresh one. The look on her face was priceless. She thought a rat had run up there and died. It was a possibility. Have you ever had to live on hospital food? Rats, mice, frogs who knows?

I was riding the down elevator

That reminds me of a humorous elevator story.

I worked with a programmer in Atlanta who was a big redheaded Texan, with the stereotypical South Texas badass personality.

He always wore boots and jeans with suspenders.

We got in the elevator with several nattily dressed lawyers from the floor below.

One of them said to another "Look at Jethro".

My friend turned and grabbed him by the lapels of his suit, picked him up off his feet, held him against the rear wall of the car, got right in his face and said, "You don't know me well enough to call me names".

The shock on his and his buddies faces was indeed priceless as we exited on the ground floor.

Floriduh?

Color Spud unsurprised.

In point of fact the kid was arrested fer disrupting class by repreatedly turning off other students computers and fer farting in the classroom.

That sed, in terms of Juvenile Offenders this little shiat disturber is both juvenile and very offensive.

Considering the War Criminals in DC are getting away scot free Spud thinks it's kinda funny that this typa case merits police attention.

Something seriously farked up with this picture.

/Cute farting stories all.

Hey AU tell us the "great sound from a 1/4 inch speaker" story!

Be Well.

Funny story, SILVER IRONIST!

OOHRAH FFFFFFFFFFFFFFunny flag FOFLFAO

FFFFFFFFFFFFF OOHRAH !!

SPUD, here ya go:

I'd received a ticket for doing 84 in a 55. So, I'm sitting in a crowded courtroom on a wooden pew. Old courtroom with marble floors and walls.

With zero warning, the loudest fart I've ever cut in my life just comes barreling out ... Very long, VERY loud (a 'comet fart' - long and with a deep tone that tails up at the end), and 'deadly' ... reverberating through the courtroom....echo upon echo. The judge drops his reading glasses and a dead silence and deadly smell fill the rather large room. Seconds later the courtroom begins to empty as the odor begins to make it's way around the room like an olfactory viper, gagging was heard, scrunched up faces everywhere you turned. Stupidly, I stayed seated as others fled - my case was next on the docket. It hits the front of the courtroom last. The judge cuts himself off mid sentence as he and the bailiff flee to the judge's chambers.

After a 'recess' of 10 minutes (during which men in hazmat suits may have sprayed ozone..not sure) court resumes.

Luckily, the judge had a sense of humor. He never quite got through a sentence (of speech) when I finally stood red faced before his bench. He cracked up several times as he sputtered out my fine and sentence: I got traffic school - with the warning to NOT eat whatever I'd eaten the night before, and the statement "not bad for a quarter inch speaker"

...I got traffic school - with the warning to NOT eat whatever I'd eaten the night before, and the statement "not bad for a quarter inch speaker"

~AU

Bwa hahahahahahahha!

Luffs it!

Perchance do you remember wot you ate the night before just so Spud can avoid a similar incident?

Mexican food?

Raw hamburger and brussel sprouts?

Beans, Spam, beans, beans, beans, eggs and Spam?

Be Well.

Must have been bean burritos, some undercooked dead animal meat, and refried beans on the side.

Whatever the combo of Mexican food, I have to say I couldn't even bring myself to admit it wasn't awful. And you know among us guys that takes a lot ! LOL

Beans in Mexican restaurants never are washed properly - which is the key to a less 'musical fruit'.

Dad used to remark on the 'herd of buffalo' that roared under his chair unannounced whenever mom made baked beans. Mom would scowl as dad would bust a gut trying to hold in laughter along with my sister and I - who would win an Academy Award for the overacting we did holding our noses and making gagging sounds falling off our chairs melodramatically onto the floor.

I never thought this would end up being a funny post, but these are some good ones...

OORAH,

I was at Paisly Middle when I did the one mentioned above...I still remember it from time to time.

One of them said to another "Look at Jethro".

My friend turned and grabbed him by the lapels of his suit, picked him up off his feet, held him against the rear wall of the car, got right in his face and said, "You don't know me well enough to call me names".
#10 | Posted by silver_ironist

Boy, that sure proved that he wasn't a violent redneck hillbilly.

I used to take be the admin for the CEO of a local tech firm, which meant taking notes every Monday morning, which of course meant sooner or later, what with my steady diet of Asian noodles.
It managed to escape right as someone was finishing a pitch, and I thought for sure I was about to have my ass handed to m for it, but instead, the CEO just ran with it.

"Well, we've got one opinion, and I have to say I'm in agreement..." Between my fart and his joke, we about killed the room.

One honest to God fart formula

2 schooners of cheap beer
1 or 2 polish sausage sandwiches heavy on the mustard
2 pickles eggs
1 tray of pretzel with mustard

Eat and drink it all and let nature have her way. This will also rid you of lousy neighbors and good, friends and stray animals (including skunks).

One honest to God fart formula

Trust me. Pickled eggs in a polish bar drinking Stroh Bos actually got me and a mate from Vermont a day of liberty.

We were in sub school, and we decided to celebrate something and went up to Norwich where they had draft pitchers for a buck. They had pickled everything but we stuck to the eggs. Killed one of those gallon jars between us. At least three quarters full to start.

Next morning we mustered and within an hour after class started we started. Laughing we were sent to the Master at Arms to field day the barracks. He sent us up to the third floor and we knew he wasn't going to walk and down the stairs all day so after he made his "surprise check" we sat on the roof and smoked.

Naturally they had beer machines in all the lounges. Tow bits a can. So we managed to stretch the party.

But missing a day at Fire Control school meant that you had to report early and take the blitz you missed. Then stay late if you scored less than 7 out of 10. Not a bad trade considering the notoriety we gained.

Channel 13 in Birmingham used to have a daily children's show where they would have a gang of kids sit on bleachers every day and Cousin Cliff would talk to them on live TV for a while and then they would show a cartoon, and then come back to the studio, etc. like that. Back in those early 60s there was segregation and one day as a child myself I was watching when they had an all black group of kids and the host was interviewing the children when all of a sudden the whole back couple rows starting laughing. Cousin Cliff asked what was going on and nobody would answer so he asked again and finally one girl piped up and shouted, "Leroy farted!"

Reminds me of the time an old Doctor visited my sixth grade class. This guy was like 90 years old or something and raised hard on the range and was local doc in them parts and very well liked and respected. Anyway one of the kids asked him how he got to be so old. He said "Son, when it comes to going to the bathroom I don't wait. When ya' gotta go ya gotta go! So I go"! Then he let out a ripper and walked out of the room and left us all laughing like hounds. Our teacher gave out an embarrassed little smile and proceeded to get us onto the next lesson.

Good days in the USA then. Not like now. Pitiful. Just pitiful what we've turned into. Can't even laugh at each other anymore. It's like we cannot recognize our own good earthy-ness and prefer to be clothed in the lie of what's proper. Pathetic!

I guess, given this mentality, people will soon be arrested for giving dirty looks...........

Will they have him fart again for the jury?

OZARK

I've heard rumors about those pickled eggs for years.

Now I know they're true.

10 "Man Points" to ya LOL

Fresh moose meat...smoked trout and cheap beer....gets me kicked to the couch every time.

If this kid got arrested in Texas while Chimpy was the governor he would have gone to the gas chamber.

Damn it Beavis was that you?

If this kid got arrested in Texas while Chimpy was the governor he would have gone to the gas chamber.

~Rein

Which in Texas is just a sealed chamber with a big ole jar of pickled eggs in it.

Kind of a "do it yerself" gas chamber!

Speaking of which why don't chicks think the ole Dutch Oven gag is funny?

Seriously, no sense of humour some gals.

/Dawg houses is darned uncomfortable places to sleep, btw.

Be Well.

So, they arrest 12-year olds for farting in the Stasi-USA and all anybody can do is come up with fart jokes. There should at a least a little hint of outrage over this, imo.

In my dad's house they were called barking spiders.

It's fun if you can get off a silent one when you're in line at the grocery store, then just walk away and leave your spouse there waiting for everything to get rang up. It's one of the few ways to find out if someone really loves you.

I was forced to attend a meeting at work, along with all of my coworkers. One of the guys let one rip right next to a secretary's desk and then laughed about it. In defense of the secretary, that guy had the absolute worst farts that you could imagine. He was primarily a meat eater and rarely ate vegetables, which I have been told is a recipe for some pretty potent flatulence.

don't believe this story.

bl2 lives in e. texass

e. tex. public trans. doesn't go to FL.

You all haqve some funny stories but.... what this country is becoming is not. The PC police, the thought police, the fart police, what is next.

In the outdoors man circles this manly act is merely a "buck snort"!

BELL-
The kid had messed with the school's computers, too. I suspect there's a good bit more than simply farting in class that landed this kid in the spot he's in.

#36 | Posted by OohRah at 2008-11-23 05:45 AM

yeah, ok, he shut off some other kids' computers, wow, he sure sounds dangerous to me. He's a smart-ass trouble-maker. I bet you and I both did things worse than this in school. I mean, I know did.

But, get arrested at 12-years old??? No, this is NOT a job for the police, sorry. It only reveals the mentality of the society that accepts it. And that's pretty damn scary, imho.

STASI - look it up, it's what's for breakfast.

If he shit his pants, would they taze him?

I take glucosamine to help keep my knees from hurting when I run. I've found if you take the entire recommended dosage, you get a lot of gas. The women in my office were not tolerant of the occasional leakage so I cut back to half doses.

I think schools call cops because they're so afraid of law suits if they try to punish kids themselves. Another victim of over-litigation in our country.

Speaking of which why don't chicks think the ole Dutch Oven gag is funny?

Some do.

My ex-fiancee thought it was hilarious to tempt me with her feminine charms then pull to covers up over my head and let out a hot one.

I think the worst moment for me to fart was back in highschool. I'd been going out with this girl for like 2 weeks. Totally wanted to get in her pants and all.

She's sitting in the front seat of my truck and I'm working my magic. Got my hand up the shirt and the pants unbuttoned.

I lay back and pull her on top of me and rip one loose. It wasn't the kind that would curl sheet metal, but it was loud and it reverberated off the sides of my truck.

I never got to see her totally naked after that :/

Messing with other's computers in the PC lab is a serious no-no, usually good for a suspension from PC use. If someone actually lost their work, the little asshole should have been suspended from school. Arrested is a little strong, though.

"fart" is a funny word.

I was already laughing by the time I got to this line:

"He started to fart so much and so bad that his wife actually had to exit the car to puke."

Then I was crying.

FF, Oohrah.

"Hey kid what are you in here for?"

"I farted"

"Whoa! Really? Better not mess with you then."

#17 | Posted by AMERICANUNITY at 2008-11-22 01:54 PM | Reply

OMG!!! I am laughing so hard I am trying to not disturb my co-workers.... and my eyes are watering...

Girls do not fart...we pass gas.

The judge should have warned you to ease off the gas next time you drive.

He should be hit with a carbon tax.

These school administrators and cops have way too much time on their hands. Banning holding kissing and even holding hands in school as non-permissable touching and now banning a natural body function like passing gas as an arrestable offense is just plain crazy.

Just give the kid detension or suspension for messing around with the computers or detention for the farting. Giving someone a criminal record for farting is insane.

I guess, given this mentality, people will soon be arrested for giving dirty looks...........

#5 | Posted by Kenoosh

well if they are going to arrest for EVERYTHING.. might as well get arrested for a beat down of an asshole that you don't like.

Mr. Methane--FF for sure

I almost thought it would be flames!

To hell with the arrest--they tax farmers in Astonia (?) for farting.

We could retire the national debt with a Fart Tax.