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XXXXX DRUDGE RETORT XXXXX 17:31:08 UTC FRI JAN 14 2000 XXXXX President Afflicted with Disease, but Not Gonorrhea Like We All Thought!
By Jonathan Bourne On Wednesday night, the President of the United States collapsed in the Oval Office, breaking a STEUBEN pitcher in the process, the DRUDGE RETORT has learned from a well-positioned source. Diagnosed by official military doctors as having a bad case of the flu, the POTUS actually suffers from multiple sclerosis, that disease Jerry Lewis gets so worked up about every Labor Day Weekend. The stunning news of the president's condition was revealed by an NBC source at approximately 9:45 Eastern time Wednesday night. Even more shocking -- the president has kept his affliction from the American public and members of his own staff for seven years! White House Chief of Staff Leo McGarry learned about the president's M.S. only days ago. [McGarry doesn't have room to complain. After a story broke on an Internet news site, as they all do, the chief of staff confessed to his own back-story secret: He is a recovering drug addict who gulped down a valium whenever his mouth wasn't wrapped around a liquor bottle.] White House observers are wondering how the president managed to keep his membership in JERRY'S KIDS a secret for so long. The DRUDGE RETORT has learned that whenever he has an attack, the POTUS receives shots of beta-serum -- from the First Lady herself! The First Lady, a medical doctor, did not explain who she pretends to be prescribing the beta-serum for when she's actually sticking it to the prez -- leading DRUDGE RETORT White House correspondent Everett Fortuna to claim that this is "a serious hole in the plot." As of 1 PM EST Friday, the story continued to impact harder than the president off the Oval Office floor ... © DRUDGE RETORT 2000 |