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XXXXX DRUDGE RETORT XXXXX 04:53:09 ET MON JUL 19 1999 XXXXX Last Known Photo of Kennedy Before Death!
By Emmy Award-Winner Jon-Jon Bourne
At 0300 hours this morning, the career of former MTV VJ Kennedy was officially declared dead. Kennedy (also known as Lisa Kennedy Montgomery) was only 27 years old, and her career had been almost as short-lived. She began as a VJ on MTV in September 1992, where she was celebrated for her virginity and her right-leaning politics. [It is said that she had a tattoo of the GOP elephant near her crotch region, although no man or woman can truly confirm this.] From the set of the new straight-to-video HOMO ALONE III, former MTV colleague Simon Rex said, "It's tragic for her career to be cut down so early." After trading phone numbers with a fluffer, Rex continued, "But really, did it ever stand a chance, what with the 'Kennedy Curse'?" The Curse referred to by Rex was, of course, the 1993 ROLLING STONE reader poll in which subscribers of the "magazine" voted Kennedy Least Favorite VJ. Nevertheless, the brave Kennedy pushed on, appearing on Alternative Nation and MTV's 1994 Music Video Awards where she survived a near-career suicide when she performed fellatio on a microphone while New York mayor Rudy Giuliani was being interviewed by a colleague. Kennedy's career was also marred by numerous assassination attempts including the 1995 character "McGovern" on the sitcom Murphy Brown. As are all parodies, this stab at Kennedy's self-importance was particularly devastating, because, well, it was so accurate. "She never stood a chance," said a knowing Chris Hardwick from his mobile home in Kentucky. "After all, she worked for MTV," the former host of SINGLED OUT added. Indeed, when MTV finally cut the conservative cut-up loose in 1996, the death of her career was imminent. Kennedy forestalled it for a short while with an embarrassing stint as a Gen-X commentator for the Winter Olympics on NBC, but thankfully, no one saw it as it was the Winter Olympics on NBC. "In a way, I'm kind of glad it's over," said a disturbed (though no more than usual) Kennedy from a dumpster behind the offices of MTV at 2600 Colorado Avenue in Santa Monica, California. "Let's face it, a no-talent like me was lucky to get the 15 minutes of fame to begin with. MTV did offer to keep me on another year if I'd pull a McCarthy -- you know: get breast implants the size of my head -- but I figured I oughta escape with my dignity intact." "And besides, I have an awfully big head." Writer Jon-Jon Bourne won an Emmy. © DRUDGE RETORT 1999 |
