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XXXXX DRUDGE RETORT XXXXX 11:55:39 UTC MON FEB 22 1999 XXXXX Hamilton: Bring Me That Bastard Burr! By
Everett Fortuna In an effort to settle the debate over what the Founding Fathers intended to be impeachable offenses, the Office of the Special Prosecutor has secretly funded a project to reanimate the brain of Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton, the Secretary of the Treasury under President Washington and one of the authors of the Federalist Papers, was killed in a duel with Vice President Aaron Burr in 1804. Under explicit orders outlined in his last will and testament, Hamilton's severed head was preserved in formaldehyde in a jar beneath the city hall building in Philadelphia. Last year, scientists were able to restore most of Hamiltonıs higher brain functions and wire his cranium to a COMMODORE VIC-20 personal computer. Special Prosecutor Starr ultimately decided not to depose Hamilton's head, but the RETORT was allowed access for a brief interview after pretending to be William Safire of the NEW YORK TIMES. "WILLIAM SAFIRE": As you may know, Mr. Hamilton, the U.S. Senate recently conducted an impeachment trial of President Clinton and ultimately decided to acquit him. Do you consider the charges against President Clinton sufficient to warrant his removal from office? ALEXANDER HAMILTON: Huh? Wazza-- huzza-- huh? SAFIRE: Sorry, sir. You must be groggy from your long sleep. HAMILTON: Hmmm. Ah, wuzza? Oh, yeth, I'm much better now. Thorry. SAFIRE: Should I repeat the question? HAMILTON: Where's that bastard Burr? I'll tear him into pieces! He'll rue the day he shot me! SAFIRE: We were discussing President Clintonıs impeachment? HAMILTON: Iım a little out of date. What's the story? SAFIRE: He was accused of perjury and obstruction of justice for lying under oath about an inappropriate sexual relationship with a subordinate and seeking to keep the relationship a secret. HAMILTON: Spare me the background. What's the crime? SAFIRE: Um, those were the crimes. HAMILTON: You're jesting. You must surely be jesting. SAFIRE: No, sir. HAMILTON: Tell me about this President Clinton. SAFIRE: Well, he's the former governor of Arkansas, one of the states carved out of the Louisiana Purchase. HAMILTON: Heaven forfend! Please tell me he's a wealthy easterner who moved to Arkansas to cement his fortune. Or an Indian killer distinguished in battle. Something! SAFIRE: No, sir. He was brought up in a poor town in Arkansas. HAMILTON: This isn't happening. This is NOT happening. Why don't you just elect a Catholic, for God's sake! Or an actor! SAFIRE: Well, actually, sir-- HAMILTON: I told that idiot Madison a hundred times. You people can't handle democracy. You just can't handle the pressure of selecting leaders. You might as well let women vote, for Christ's sake. I mean look at you. Your pants go all the way to the ground. Morons. Put me back to sleep. And find me that bastard Burr! SAFIRE: How about a nice ten dollar bill, sir? HAMILTON: Say, is that me? Sweet! And what does that say? "Federal Reserve note"? That sounds like a central bank to me! Score one for the Hamilator! SAFIRE: Thank you for your time, sir. HAMILTON: Close the door behind you. İ DRUDGE RETORT 1999 |