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XXXXX DRUDGE RETORT XXXXX 01/06/99 09:47 UTC XXXXX Clinton's 1986 Ho-Down Leads to 1999 Fun Baby Showdown!
**Universal Exclusive** By Jonathan Bourne "She walked off the street, into his life and stole his heart." That's the logline that White House insiders are using to describe the relationship between President Bill Clinton and an African-American Arkansas prostitute by the name of Vivian Ward 13 years ago. The week of passion produced a love child, according to the hooker with a now broken heart of gold. And this week the little bastard decided to prove who his real father is once and for all. In the exclusive to end all exclusives, SHAVED SNIZZ magazine has paid for the DNA test for 13-year-old Danny Williams, and they intend to match the results to information made public in the Starr Report. But how did the tryst come to exist? Like a good pimp, the DRUDGE RETORT has gotten the dope from the happy hooker herself, Vivian Ward. "He was on a business trip," trumpeted the strumpet, "And he was looking for an escort." According to Vivian, then-Governor Clinton took the skank to his swank hotel room where they had the following exchange:
"A night became a weekend, and then finally he asked me how much it would cost for me to stay with him for the whole week," harped the harlot. "I told him $3,000 because I never thought he'd agree to it." But Clinton closed the deal, and according to Vivian, they fell in love. "You and I are such similar creatures, Vivian," Bill told her, "We both screw people for money."  Danny Williams (with black line to protect his privacy) Vivian says she knew it was love because she did one thing with Clinton that she'd never done with a client before -- she kissed him. "Kissing, now that's special," the hussy hissed. But there's more. The call-girl called Clinton "infatuated" and told the DRUDGE RETORT that the Solicitor-In-Chief sent her on an all-day shopping spree at the city's most posh designer stores. "It was just like 'My Fair Lady,'" Vivian said. "Almost identical to 'My Fair Lady.' In fact, it was like the whole thing was plagiarized from 'My Fair Lady.'" But how did her egg get pierced by Bill Clinton's now all-too-familiar semen? According to Vivian, she and Clinton were very careful before he popped the tart. "I had condoms and I distinctly remember telling him: 'I got red, I got yellow, I got green, I got blue, I'm all out of purple, but I do have one Gold Circle Coin left -- the condom of champions -- nothin' is getting through this baby." But a baby sure did get through. And now Clinton may have to answer to being a dead-beat dad to little Danny Williams -- for 13 years! The official White House reaction was predictably evasive, as this transcript of the morning's press conference demonstrates:
Later, Press Secretary Lockhart was more forthcoming when Donaldson posed a hypothetical question:
Editors of SHAVED SNIZZ have arranged for Williams and his mother to hold an all-media press conference blow-out (pun intended) if DNA results show a link. If they don't show a link, the editors have arranged for a severe beating of the mother and child by hired goons. Developing fast! © DRUDGE RETORT 1999 |