XXXXX DRUDGE RETORT XXXXX 17:36:52 UTC WED DEC 16 1998 XXXXX

The Joy of Text: Clinton's Resignation Speech Leaked!

DRUDGE RETORT
Wed Dec 16 1998 17:36:52 UTC

By Jonathan Bourne
**Really, Really Exclusive**
**Must Credit the DRUDGE RETORT**

It may not be over 'til the fat lady sings, but she's doing her vocal warm-ups as we speak.

Taking a cue from the Boy Scouts of America, President Clinton and his staff are learning to "be prepared." A resignation speech has already been written and plans made for Clinton to deliver it if the House votes for impeachment on Thursday and national polls continue to show declining support for whoring.

A complete draft of this speech has been received by the DRUDGE RETORT.

The speech, which Clinton was "too freaked out" to write himself, was initially written anonymously by White House adviser Paul Begala, according to tomorrow's WALL STREET JOURNAL and its sister publication, TEEN WALL STREET JOURNAL.

The JOURNALS will report that a source close to the President, whom this reporter will name only as "Lirst Fady," felt the speech was filled with too much legalese. She gave it to Harry Thomason to add warmth and sincerity. Still finding it lacking a clear narrative, the speech was polished first by Robert Towne, then William Goldwyn and finally Neil "Doc" Simon. Final credit for the speech is still being arbitrated by the Writers Guild of America.

Hold on to your hats, folks. We've got the text of the resignation speech you may be hearing only a few short days from now:

X X X X X

X X X

For Immediate Release December 17, 1998

THE PRESIDENT: Good evening.

This is the 37th time I have spoken to you from this office, though obviously some have gotten more attention than others. Each time I have done so to discuss with you some matter that I believe affected the national interest, and Lord and CNN knows, this has interested the bejeezus out of you people.

In my 1995 State of The Union Address (not the O.J.-verdict one and long before the not-gonna-mention-Monica one), I spoke to you about entering into a new social contract which I called the New Covenant. I thought it sounded kind of like the New Deal or the New Frontier, but I neglected to take into account that most of you out there don't have the slightest idea what those two programs were. Hell, studies show that 77 percent of you couldn't find Washington D.C. on a map.

Anyhow, the New Covenant was about the right and responsibility of all Americans to rise as far as their God-given talents and determination could take them, and to give something back to their communities and their country in return. Again, more Kennedy stuff that you didn't "get." Oh well.

Basically, I wanted to help build us a bridge into the twenty-first century. And I think that I kept that covenant. Our economy has never been stronger. Unemployment is at a historic low. So is inflation and the number of people on welfare. (Of course, that has less to do with the fact that poor people are getting jobs and more to do with the fact that my welfare reform bill basically kicked the poor off of welfare entirely, but why split hairs at this point, huh?) Unfortunately, the only thing at an all-time *high* are television newsmagazine shows. Nevertheless, that bridge to the twenty-first century is strong. Strong enough for all of us to cross. Yeah, you *like* that analogy, don't you?

But now I turn my thoughts to another man who once entered into a new covenant -- Moses. Moses entered into a covenant with God. (As we all must, except for those godless atheists, of course.) The Lord helped Moses to unify his people and lead them through the desert for forty days and forty nights -- you know, the matzos and all that stuff (the Jews know what I'm talking about here). But when Moses finally got to the Promised Land, he sent his people ahead without him. In DEUTERONOMY 32:51-52, God says to Moses: "Because ye trespassed against me among the children of Israel at the waters of Meribah Kadesh, in the wilderness of Zin; because ye sanctified me not in the midst of the children of Israel ... thou shalt see the land before thee, but thou shall not go thither unto the land which I give the children of Israel." No, Moses did not cross into the land of milk and honey; he died having never touched that precious soil.

And so it is with me. I have led you, my people, through the desert of recession and economic disparity. I have led you up to the bridge to the twenty-first century, but I cannot cross into it with you. For I have broken one of those ancient Commandments that my compatriot, Moses, received from God.

(Well, technically, I broke about three of those Commandments, but the one that we're really focusing on is -- actually, now that I think of it, it's more like three and a half, but even if we round up and say it's four, the point is, I committed adultery. And that was wrong.)

For a while, it looked like you were behind me -- the polls were strong. But the pols were stronger. All of a sudden, you started to believe cretins like that dye-job Coulter and yes, even the DRUDGE RETORT. I know that people want leadership, and in the absence of genuine leadership, they'll listen to anyone who steps up the microphone. I realize that people are so thirsty for leadership that they'll crawl through the desert towards a mirage, and when they discover there's no water, they'll drink the sand. Or maybe they drink the sand because they don't know the difference. Who knows?

Hillary understands that if we had a problem, it's because I loved her so much. I took the heat New Year's 1989 because that's what I was supposed to do. I did not plead no contest for any other reason but to protect our privacy and was advised it would end the press hype.

Despite the fact that this whole thing is so totally unfair, I'm not blaming this on anyone but myself. I'm not going to mention the fact that everyone knows Orrin Hatch participates in some far-out S&M stuff in his Senate office. Nor do I find it necessary to complain that former Senator Bob Dole had a Senate intern do almost the identical kinky shenanigans with his pen that I had that woman, Ms. Lewinsky, do with a cigar.

Chelsea said something to me in August that really struck a chord with me. She said, "Dad, if you were a dork you should say you're sorry. Girls like that." And so I did say I was sorry. Well, I didn't actually say that I was sorry, but eventually I did, and I even cried. But then I looked really girlie, and really, the whole thing was a disaster.

Sure, I could stick around and fight this one out. I would have preferred to carry through to the finish whatever the personal agony it would have involved, and my family unanimously urged me to do so. But let's face it: I'm doomed. Sure, the polls all say you don't want me impeached, and even my wife's back to having sex with me (and let me tell you, folks, there's nothing more satisfying than "make-up sex") but the Republicans in Congress are going to beat me like a drum.

I have never been a quitter. A dodger, yes. An avoider, sure. But not a quitter. On the other hand, as my mother used to say, "Who needs the aggravation?" Get this: If I resign, I've got a job waiting for me at DREAMWORKS as a movie producer plus I'll have a beach house right on the colony at Malibu. We're talking right next door to Danny DeVito and Rhea Perleman, folks.

Which would *you* choose: impeachment hell or development hell? Congressional hearings or the premiere of Matt Damon's ROUNDERS? Closed-door meetings with Bruce Lindsey in the West Wing or closed-door parties with Salma Hayek at the Sky Bar? Yeah: it's a real no-brainer.

Therefore, I shall resign the Presidency effective noon tomorrow -- hell, make that noon today! Vice President Gore will be sworn in as President at that hour in this office. He'll probably be 15 minutes early.

As I recall the high hopes for America with which we began this second term, I feel a great sadness that I will not be here in this office working on your behalf to achieve those hopes in the next 2 1/2 years. But in turning over direction of the Government to Vice President Gore, I know that the leadership of America will be in good hands. Good, stiff hands.

These 5 3/4 years have been a time of achievement in which we can all be proud. We have unlocked the doors that for a quarter of a century stood between the United States and the People's Republic of China. In fact, not only did we unlock the doors, we let them right into our bedroom.

In the Middle East, we achieved peace. Unless you count the assassination of Yitzhak Rabin. And all that back-and-forth car bomb stuff.

We helped transform Russia from the most powerful empire in the world into a fledgling democracy and then into a beaten-down Third World Nation. Superpower? After we got through with them, they're lucky if they can get *electric* power!

So don't worry about Bill Clinton. I've had a good life. I'm proud of how I lived. My mama taught me to do unto others. I've treated people the way I wanted to be treated. Please think of the real Bill Clinton and not this lost person. Thanks for making my life special. I hope I helped yours. To have served in this office is to have felt a very personal sense of kinship with each and every American.

And while I haven't loved all of you, I've loved as many of you as I could.

© DRUDGE RETORT 1998