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XXXXX DRUDGE RETORT XXXXX 15:43:51 UTC WED DEC 2 1998 XXXXX New Study Indicates Increase in Sucker Birth Rate!
DRUDGE RETORT By Jonathan Bourne The DRUDGE RETORT has learned that January's NEW ENGLAND JOURNAL OF MEDICINE will contain a comprehensive study from Northwestern University's School of Medical Statistics that shows a significant alteration in birth rates in the United States. "It's a stunning finding," said Wildcat scientician Floyd Davidson, who was stunned. "If this alarming expansion continues," an alarmed Davidson continued, "rates will surely increase." Shocking. Was it only 138 years ago that medical science determined that a sucker was born every minute? Yes. It was. But now, the Northwestern report indicates that as of 1998, a sucker is born every 30 seconds. That's almost twice as many. "How will we feed them? Where will they all live? What will they all do for a living? I mean, there are just so many jobs in the television industry," fretted an anonymous Congressional Judiciary member who we'll call The Gay Guy. The advance copy of the JOURNAL, which was obtained by the RETORT through a fortunate post office error, indicated that if the overpopulation trend continues, THE UNITED STATES WILL BE COMPLETELY OVERRUN BY SUCKERS BY EARLY 2002! Previously, The Gay Guy proposed legislation authorizing $400 million in government funds to provide the sucker populace with birth control devices in an attempt to control their number. The effort was a total failure because female suckers never used any of the birth control devices, instead harboring the belief that "you can't get pregnant the first time" or "you can't get pregnant standing up." "They'll believe anything -- that's the problem," lamented Northwestern statistician Davidson. "They believe that Publisher's Clearinghouse gives away prizes; they believe their vote counts; they even believe that you can get accurate news over the Internet. It's hopeless." Shocking. Did I already say shocking? Okay: REALLY shocking. The DRUDGE RETORT doesn't have the scientific background to fully comprehend the NEW ENGLAND JOURNAL OF MEDICINE article in full, but we do know one thing -- if anyone has our January copy of LATINA Magazine, we'll trade you for your JOURNAL. © DRUDGE RETORT 1998 |