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XXXXX DRUDGE RETORT XXXXX 07:03:08 UTC FRI NOV 13 1998 XXXXX Federal Porn Fallout: Hospitals Brace For 'Starr Babies'!
DRUDGE RETORT By Peavey Newmark **Must Credit the DRUDGE RETORT** BETHESDA, MD. -- The National Institutes of Health (NIH) will announce a 65 percent increase in pregnancies during the month of August, the DRUDGE RETORT has learned. "Health Impacts of the Independent Counsel Inquiry," a white paper obtained by the RETORT, will be released in a joint press conference today with federal census officials. The paper details the nearly two-thirds increase in reported pregnancies since the release of Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr's sexually explicit report. "We initially theorized only an increase in masturbation," said an NIH researcher who requested anonymity but we will trust anyway, because we've been right so far and couldn't get anyone better on the phone after 4 p.m. E.S.T. "More specifically, we figured middle-class males between 14 and 62 would use the report in place of their regular pornography for about a month, then return to their traditional routines." The large number of buns in the nation's ovens suggests that NIH may be rethinking its research. The agency has already alerted hospitals for an influx of what former Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders calls "Starr babies." "I haven't seen the NIH report yet, because I'm a national pariah and they won't let me," said Elders "But it seems to suggest that the Starr material was not actually arousing in and of itself. That's where the masturbation issue ... oh Jesus, now look what I've done." [Elders went on to say several insightful, honest things of great importance to the nation.] The nation's hospitals say they are ready for Starr babies. "We're expecting to go up about 27 cents for third quarter 1999," said Kaiser-Permanente's chief of obstetrics, Raoul "The Machine" Gecko. "This will have a lot to do with it. Childbirth is fundamentally a matter of economy of scale, when you really think about it." The NIH report [soon to be available from the Government Printing Office, a subsidiary of RANDOM HOUSE, a subsidiary of the DISNEY CORPORATION] suggests the increase in pregnancy is less related to talk of cigars and phone sex than simple boredom. "It's comparable to the 'blizzard baby' phenomenon we see in the mountain regions and other places where our less-important citizens live," said the Enterprise Institute's Norman Ornstein, whose name is at the top of our contact list here at the RETORT. "Snowed-in couples, even those who don't particularly like each other, have sex anyway because they're out of firewood and jerky and have nothing better to do until the spring thaw. God it's easy to get laid in Missoula in the winter." The phenomenon is believed to be responsible for maintaining populations in the northern Rockies, Dakotas, New Hampshire's north woods region and Manhattan. NIH officials believe the trend peaked in early November, a trimester since release of the report. In Charlotte, S.C., Wendy and Reg Thornton say they were surprised, pleasantly mind you, to hear of Wendy's second pregnancy. "We watched the report's release on maybe CNN or HBO. Which one was it honey?" said Reg. "It was Blitzer. I remember the beard," said a glowing Wendy, who has just started to show. "And then it gets on around eleven in the morning and the report comes out, and we've both stayed home for it, and it just happened, y'know." "Actually, it happened right around the time Wolf mentioned oral-anal contact," Reg added. © DRUDGE RETORT 1998 |