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XXXXX DRUDGE RETORT XXXXX 14:44:07 UTC THU NOV 05 1998 XXXXX Political Pundit Tucker Carlson Canned For Youthful Indiscretion!
DRUDGE RETORT CNN political analyst Tucker Carlson was canned this morning after admitting he's 12 years younger than he told the network. Normally an age discrepancy would not merit dismissal at the Atlanta newser and viewser. TIME WARNER insiders say that veteran newsreader Bernard Shaw has been celebrating his 79th birthday for at least eight years! However, since Carlson doesn't turn 18 until December of next year, he needed parental approval before going on the air to offer expert commentary on how sucky the Democrats are. Carlson learned only yesterday that David Brock was penning a tell-all-and-I-mean-all article about him for SEVENTEEN magazine. "Tucker came to CNN Center today with a whole bunch of forged permission slips in his book bag," the DRUDGE RETORT was told by a coworker who trades Beanie Babies with the pundit. "Busted!" SEVENTEEN talks to Mrs. Loudermilk, the teacher of his fifth period Advanced Placement American Government class at Washington's Marion Barry High School: "Tucker is very bright. He would be earning a solid 'B' if he hadn't faked a stomach ache so often to skip class and appear on the RUSH LIMBAUGH SHOW." Before this year, Carlson was best known for pouring a perfectly good Bloody Mary on the head of Americans for Tax Reform organizer Grover Norquist at an AMERICAN SPECTATOR party. This changed when Bill Clinton's sex life first reared its ugly head last January. Carlson has appeared on CNN, CNBC, FOX NEWS, ABC's POLITICALLY INCORRECT and a very special episode of DAWSON'S CREEK. When contacted by the DRUDGE RETORT on his private upstairs line, Carlson refused comment. "Mom says I can't talk to the media while I'm grounded, dude," he said. Reaction to his departure was mixed at CNN. "Tucker hits you on the shoulder if he really, really likes you," CNN White House correspondent John King tells SEVENTEEN. "When he asked me to go steady, I told him in no uncertain terms that he needed to respect my boundaries." The cable network has formulated a plan to deal with the loss of an analyst so soon after the midterm elections. "We're asking nine different on-air personalities to talk 10 percent more slowly until we restaff the position," CNN President Rick Kaplan explained. "If that doesn't work, we'll fill in the gaps by apologizing more often for our OPERATION TAILWIND coverage." © DRUDGE RETORT 1998 |