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XXXXX DRUDGE RETORT XXXXX 20:20:28 UTC TUE OCT 13 1998 XXXXX Art Bell Quits; They Deny Responsibility! By
Rogers Cadenhead Faced with numerous accusations that they are somehow to blame, they issued a statement today disavowing all responsibility for talk radio host Art Bell's sudden on-air resignation Tuesday morning. At 2:55 a.m. PDT, Bell announced to his listeners that he was immediately quitting his overnight radio show COAST TO COAST AM, which is heard by an audience of more than 15 million people and hundreds of aliens who secretly live among us. "You may recall about a year ago, I told you that there was an event, a threatening terrible event occured to my family, which I could not tell you about," Bell said. "Because of that event, and a succession of other events, what you're listening to right now is my final broadcast on the air." Bell has not clarified the reasons for his resignation, except to say that it is "brought to you by GOLD BOND MEDICATED POWDER, offering fast relief for athlete's foot." In the hours since the threatening terrible news first broke, many people have been certain that "they must have gotten to Art." Mr. KABC, the host of a Southern California talk radio show that airs before Bell's program on KABC/790 AM, fielded dozens of calls Tuesday afternoon from outraged listeners. ["Please ask these folks to wait until I'm on the air," Mr. KABC told the RETORT. "I'm expecting a call from my cable installer."] Mr. KABC, whose own use of a pseudonym may stem from fears about what they are capable of, explained: "I haven't seen this kind of anger since the cancellation of DR. QUINN MEDICINE WOMAN. My callers all have the same question: Who the hell do they think they are?" At 3:15 p.m. EDT, the DRUDGE RETORT received a call from them and immediately verified their identity on our BELLSOUTH CALLER ID caller identification box. They want to clear their name. "Everyone wants to blame us," they told the RETORT. "We had nothing to do with it." They said that even if they didn't like what Bell was saying about their efforts to discredit NATO and control the resale market in Beanie Babies, projects like these occupy all the time they have. "Do you have any idea how much work it takes to devalue the deutch mark?" they asked. "We haven't subverted the will of the radio audience since our Dr. Laura Schlessinger experiment went so horribly awry." Still, many are unconvinced of their innocence. "That's just what they would like us to think, but you're not going to fool Art Bell's listeners that easily," said a longtime fan who identified himself as High King Jorvus of the Fifth Circle. "If they didn't do it, who did?" Who did not return calls seeking comment. © DRUDGE RETORT 1998 |