XXXXX DRUDGE RETORT XXXXX 10:05:41 UTC MON OCT 12 1998 XXXXX

Labor Advocates Celebrate Stock Market Downturn!

By R. Miller
**Washington correspondent to the DRUDGE RETORT**
**Must credit Miller to the extent that such credit does not confer ownership rights of the material, which was commissioned as a work-for-hire and is owned completely by the DRUDGE RETORT**

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Union National Coalition of Labor Advocates held a party today at their Chevy Chase, Md., headquarters to celebrate recent stock market declines. Spokesperson Rosie Shipwright said, "When the stock market goes up, all the big companies lay off workers. Now that the market's down, they'll be hiring again."

According to a recent UNCLAD press release, there is a direct correlation between investor joy and employee misery. "The higher the profits, the lower the pay," it states. "When executives are riding in limousines, hourly workers are resurrecting rusted-out Toyotas. But when investors panic, workers go out and buy new OLDSMOBILES."

Another factor in UNCLAD's joy is a potential surge in affordable housing caused by investor woes. As Shipwright explains, "When they can't keep up their mansion payments, and no one else can afford to buy them, those big houses get broken up into apartments people like us can afford to rent. This is good news for slum-dwellers everywhere. Now they can move to the suburbs and put their children in the same schools as the executives' kids."

Each time the ticker moved downwards, partygoers let out a hearty cheer and toasted each other with mugs of union-brewed American beer. The cries of "Go get 'em, bears!" were so thick that the event sounded like a football game in Chicago [back in the years when the city had a professional football team].

But the greatest outpouring came when ALL NEW NIPPON SAVINGS AND LOAN's stock prices went to negative numbers and, a few seconds later, BANGKOG BANK OF PRIMACY announced "a complete financial restructuring."

Said Myron Purchase-Sellers, UNCLAD representative from the Benevolent Association of Union Retirement Fund Employees, "This is wonderful! It means I'm going to get a raise! For years, growth in Far East economies has been used to justify salary cuts for American workers like me! Now the glove is on the other hand! If they don't have any money, they can't afford to keep stealing our jobs!"

The only gloomy note in the otherwise festive atmosphere was sounded by Wendy Lyon-Down, of the Gender Service Providers Union, who said, "Sure, everyone else is happy, but what about us? All the callgirls who've lost their jobs in Japan, Hong Kong, Korea, Russia, and other depressed countries are now going to come to the United States and compete with us.

"If the global economy doesn't pick up soon, there will be so many girls on the street that you won't even be able to get $10 for a fast blowjob. That will decimate inner-city economies all over America."

In sounding her call for economic justice for prostitutes, drug dealers, and other forgotten -- but essential -- members of the workforce, Ms. Lyon-Down was passionate, but her pleas went unheard in the general clamor. "But you wait," she said. "After the party's over, you just look and see who all these people turn to for comfort. Then tell me we're not as necessary as anyone else."

© DRUDGE RETORT 1998