Out to Play: Is Jonathan Lipnicki Our Newest Gay Superstar?

XXXXX DRUDGE RETORT XXXXX 11:30:13 UTC WED SEP 30 1998 XXXXX

By Jonathan Bourne
**Must credit PIERRE BOURQUE NEWSWATCH**

Proving that the DRUDGE RETORT has sources in every crook and nanny, we bring you the following scoop: The children's magazine WEEKLY READER, a staunch supporter of President Clinton, is preparing for its October 7 editions an article that questions actor Jonathan Lipnicki's commitment to a God-fearing heterosexual adulthood.

Pause.

When it comes to the troll-headed eight-year-old JERRY MAGUIRE star, the proof is in the pudding -- or perhaps the pudding pop.

We report. You decide:

A former nanny says she often overheard the pee-wee performer proclaim, "Girls are yucky!"
The parents of a Lipnicki longtime companion have told reporters that his "playdates" almost always involve other BOYS.
The four-eyed former MEEGO principal has had many a "sleepover" with his third-grade friends -- NONE OF THEM GIRLS!

Pause. Play. Tracking... Tracking...

Gay activist and TORCH SONG TRILOGY auteur Harvey Fierstein was delighted: "Just what Hollywood needs -- another gay actor."

Actress-cum-lesbian Anne Heche added, "It's wonderful that entertainers are willing to publicly embrace their sexuality earlier and earlier. Perhaps the courage of one child can ..."

[Unfortunately, the DRUDGE RETORT accidentally hung up before she could finish. Damn call waiting.]

When contacted for comment, Lipnicki's JERRY MAGUIRE costar Tom Cruise said, "Why are you contacting me for comment? I'm a happily married man! Why don't you call Keanu? He's the guy you want to talk to."

Pause. Frame Advance. Frame Advance.

Teachers at the elementary school Lipnicki attends confirmed that he keeps his desk and cubbyhole "neat -- almost compulsively so." His social studies teacher, known only as Mrs. Sanders, told WEEKLY READER that the puerile thespian is invariably "impeccably dressed; GAP KIDS head to toe."

A confidential source at HOLLYWOOD TOYS & COSTUMES informed the DRUDGE RETORT that Lipnicki was spotted in the toy store just last week, throwing a tantrum because his mother [a French-Canadian] refused to allow the illustrious imp to purchase a much-coveted KENNER EASY-BAKE OVEN.

An EASY-BAKE OVEN.

Although it's possible that WEEKLY READER is as wrong about Lipnicki as it was about hemp legalization, if this buzz bears itself out, it's only a matter of time before Hollywood's Little Prince grows up and has us all saying, "God save the queen!"

Lipnicki and gay-friendly folk-pop songstress Jewel

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