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XXXXX DRUDGE RETORT XXXXX 19:09:47 UTC THU SEP 24 1998 XXXXX 'I Perjured All Over Myself -- Pardon Me,' Sez Prez!
By Jonathan Bourne and Rogers Cadenhead As Hell Storm Georges unleashes his elitist French wrath on Cuba and the Florida Keys, President Clinton is launching a new emergency relief plan against Hell Storm Kenneth. Clinton's attorneys have tried several strategies in regard to his extremely rigid definition of nookie. His testimony in the Paula Jones deposition has been described by handlers in several different ways. First it was the truth. Then, it was "legally accurate." Next, it was "misleading." Now, it's being described as "flat-out on-its-face no-bones-about-it perjury," White House Press Secretary Mike McCurry said with great relief at a Thursday afternoon press conference. "The president lied in court. The president lied to reporters outside the courtroom. The president lied to me late yesterday, both about the Paula Jones case and about the discrepancy between my salary and that of Deputy Press Secretary Joe Lockhart," McCurry told a gathering of professional journalists and FOX NEWS personnel. According to tomorrow's edition of AMBASSADOR, TWA's in-flight magazine, lawyers for President Clinton are considering a two-part strategy that begins with Big Bill giving up the "legally accurate" ghost and copping to lying under oath. The second part of the plan? Pardoning himself. According to the United States Constitution [written by the framers on 100 percent hemp in 1787], the president possesses the power to "grant Reprieves and Pardons for Offences against the United States, except in Cases of Impeachment." This power applies to anyone -- INCLUDING THE PRESIDENT HIMSELF! Clinton's impeachment problems are obstruction of justice, witness tampering and perjury. His lawyers think that with regard to the first two charges, they can get him off. [And why not? Everyone else has.] But the criminal perjury charge is the sticking point, if you will. [And why not? Everyone else has.] If Bill pardons himself of that charge prior to impeachment, he's home free. "It's the ultimate in legal weaseliness, but it's totally within the bounds of the law," said Ron Silver, who once portrayed noted defense attorney Alan Dershowitz in the film REVERSAL OF FORTUNE. Jeremy Irons did not return phone calls seeking comment. Developing... © DRUDGE RETORT 1998 |