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XXXXX DRUDGE RETORT XXXXX 08:36:58 UTC MON SEP 21 1998 XXXXX Many Office Seekers Become Aroused by Clinton Booty Calls!
By Rogers Cadenhead Democratic and Republican party leaders are reporting an upsurge in interest among potential political candidates as more details become known about President Clinton's deeply embarrassing and unsanitary sex practices. "My phone is ringing off the hook," Democratic Party Chairman Roy Romer told the KOREAN CENTRAL NEWS AGENCY. "I wish more people knew that the filing period for November's elections ended more than six months ago." Many people expect the scandal to scare away future officeseekers, since most politicians outside of Massachusetts would be uncomfortable answering questions about smokable sex toys and "oral-anal contact." However, party functionaries are finding the opposite to be true, as potential and current candidates take note of the unbridled sexual depravity championed by the free world's most powerful politician. "America is full of good people who made some bad choices in the past," said Phil Donahue, the former talk show host whose plans to seek political office have been derailed by a Little Black Sambo joke he told at a 1965 cocktail party. "I haven't been this happy since Ricki Lake got fat again." Paul Ryan, a Republican candidate running for a Wisconsin seat in the House of Representatives, announced plans at a recent Kiwanis Club luncheon to begin experimenting with cocaine. "For years, I've gone to parties where I've been offered a 'toot of blow,' as the kids like to say," Ryan told a CUBA CITY TRI-COUNTY PRESS reporter, according to a story scheduled to run in that newspaper after the Grant County Porkfest winds down. "Like a big party pooper, I had to turn them down," Ryan sheepishly confessed. "After being exposed to the president's dirty laundry for a couple months, I don't think the voters in November will look down on a social cokehead. I know my limits. I can quit at any time." The Clinton scandal may serve to resurrect at least one deader-than-George-Wallace political career: that of noted '80s adulterer and big government liberal Gary Hart! "A little over 10 years ago, I withdrew my name from consideration for the presidency because I engaged in vigorous missionary sex on two occasions with a receptive Miami pharmaceutical salesgirl named Donna Rice," Hart told the RETORT late Sunday night in the AMERICA ONLINE chat room "M4M Curious." "Recent events have made my numerous extramarital transgressions seem almost quaint, like the stories my father told me about nailing several pert-breasted classmates on the rumble seat of his 1929 Lincoln roadster," explained the former senator, who has been abstinent from non-wife sex for 17 months as of next Wednesday. "The time is right for me to seek the Democratic nomination for the presidency," Hart typed in an AOL Instant IM Message sent exclusively to the DRUDGE RETORT. "I encourage reporters to follow me around." [Good luck, Gary! The DRUDGE RETORT has been encouraging NBC correspondent Claire Shipman to follow us around for several months without success.] © DRUDGE RETORT 1998 |