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XXXXX DRUDGE RETORT XXXXX 20:57:56 UTC THU SEP 10 1998 XXXXX Blockbuster Exclusive: Starr Report Fails to Make the Grade!
By Rogers Cadenhead In a move that is being hailed as a victory for education, the House today rejected in full the Starr Report accusing President Clinton of perjury, adultery, obstruction of justice and "wasting good cigars." The basis for the decision was the lack of original work, according to members of the House Subcommittee on Academic Standards and Presidential Impeachment. Subcommittee Chairman Henry Waxman told the DRUDGE RETORT that Starr's report was sent back to him Thursday morning in "a whole buttload of AIRBORNE EXPRESS sleeves." Starr's 445-page report, which was five pages longer than the minimum required to overturn the will of the electorate, contains a 25-page thesis statement and introduction, 280 pages of text and 140 pages of other material. The nature of the other material is the crux of the House rejection. "That thing contains more padding than my prom date's bra," Sen. Barbara Mikulski told HIGHLIGHTS FOR CHILDREN magazine. "There's a bar graph, chart or anatomically correct illustration on every other page." [Seth Warshavsky of Internet Entertainment Group has announced plans to publish a fully illustrated version of Starr's report at www.ourfirstimpeachment.com. The superpornographer tells the RETORT: "We're also going to film a dramatized version starring Simon Rex, Ginger Lynn and Gregory Peck."] The Starr report also took advantage of the high-tech document formatting features of ADOBE PAGEMAKER, the $511 software used to prepare the assignment. "I haven't seen margins this wide since I graded papers for the Texas A&M football team," blabbed Sen. Phil Gramm, who was shown the report late Wednesday night at a pre-impeachment "kegger" thrown by Starr's office. Despite personal pleadings from Kenneth Starr that his office has striven for "extra credit" and deserves a second chance, Congress is not expected to give the independent counsel another week to turn in a revised paper. "No legacy is so rich as honesty. We must hold ourselves to higher standards," Sen. Joe Biden told reporters Thursday during an appearance to promote his new book, RICHARD MELLON SCAIFE IS A BIG FAT IDIOT. © DRUDGE RETORT 1998 |