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XXXXX DRUDGE RETORT XXXXX 13:54:55 UTC SUN SEP 6 1998 XXXXX 62 Homes But No Balls: The Mark McGwire Story!
By Jonathan Bourne More than one Major League Baseball record was broken today when St. Louis Cardinals first baseman Mark McGwire hit his 62nd home run. In the bottom of the fifth inning against reliever Keith "Lefty" Glauber, McGwire smashed Roger Maris' single-season home run record by clobbering a 505-foot tater to dead-center field. Pause. Before circling the bases, McGwire stunned the Busch Stadium crowd of 49,000-plus by ripping off his ballcap to reveal a mane of long silky blond hair! He then yanked off the trademark McGwire goatee and tossed it aside, leaving home plate for the first time as the woman he really is. In an interview to be published in the October issue of NEW WOMAN, Marcella "Mark" McGwire tells the magazine how she got her swinging groove back: "I did this all to prove that women can make it in the Major Leagues," said a glowing [and ravishing] McGwire. "I was inspired to finally reveal my true sex after seeing Disney's MULAN." Rewind. MULAN is the tale of a young Chinese girl who pretends to be a man in order to fight in the army or something. This reporter found the movie to be entertaining, but not as charming as, say, VICTOR/VICTORIA. Fast forward. Stop. Rewind. Stop. Press to Play. The buxom Marcella was relieved to finally be able to admit why she's been taking those performance-enhancing drugs. "Let's face facts: It takes more than feminine intuition to jack a fastball 450 feet in the dog days of September. A sister needs a testosterone boost just to keep up," Marcella said with a playful laugh as she coyly tucked a strand of her flaxen hair behind her ear. As for how she pulled off the history-making feat over so many Boys of Summer, she said with a wink, "Well, my husband will tell you I've always been something of a ball-buster!" One thing's for sure, no one will soon forget the moment when the vivacious Marcella stepped across home plate and shouted to the rooftops: "Girl power!" X X X X X In a related story, McGwire's record-setting blast was a line drive that hit a 10-year-old spectator from East St. Louis, killing him instantly. The child had been rewarded with a ticket following news reports that he supported five younger siblings after their parents abandoned the family to more aggressively pursue their crack addiction. "Thankfully, another fan was able to retrieve the ball before the medical examiner's office roped off the scene for their investigation," Cardinals announcer Jack "Lefty" Buck said. "I hate to think that it might have been lost." © DRUDGE RETORT 1998 |