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XXXXX DRUDGE RETORT XXXXX 22:26:37 UTC TUE SEP 1 1998 XXXXX Monica's Fuming: Clinton Got Me Hooked on Smokes!
By Jonathan Bourne "Clinton got me addicted!" A tearful Monica Lewinsky sobbed this confession in her secret, sealed, it-would-be-illegal-for-anyone-to-leak-this grand jury testimony Aug. 20. President Bill Clinton got her hooked on nicotine! "It started innocently enough. He instructed me to cram stogies up my hoo-ha," a bawling Lewinsky testified. "But then he, like, brought out the Virginia Slims. By my fourth or fifth trip to the Oval Office, he had me inserting Kools." "Finally it got up to unfiltered Marlboros." The leaked testimony, which will hit newsstands tomorrow morning in the premiere issue of LEAKED TESTIMONY magazine, goes on to divulge: When Co-dependent Counsel Kenneth Starr questioned why Lewinsky thought such obscene behavior brought the chief exec to chief ecstacy, the former White House intern replied, "He's all, 'It's so naughty, baby.' He totally got off on the idea of, like, being the Anti-Tobacco President and having a girl in his office using a Benson & Hedges Menthol as if it were a POCKET ROCKET." [The powerful, quiet, compact POCKET ROCKET mini-massager sells for $49.99 at most full-service adult novelty providers. Ours cost $30.] In a PEOPLE magazine interview that the DRUDGE RETORT obtained in the waiting room of a dentist's office, Lewinsky further exposed how constant tobacco "injections" took their toll. "I became addicted," spewed Lewinsky. "At first I only needed to visit the ladies room twice a day for my fix, but like after a couple of weeks I was jonesing for it all the time. I was, like, going through two packs a day." Seeking a solution, the Presidential-Siren-slash-Starr-Witness reportedly tried NICORETTE GUM, but "couldn't get it to stay up in there." When asked by PEOPLE person Deanna Kizis why she hadn't tried the NICODERM PATCH, an incredulous Lewinsky exclaimed, "I couldn't keep THAT covered up all the time -- I worked at the White House." She continued: "Duh!" Representatives of the R.J. Reynolds tobacco company told the RETORT that they hadn't considered this use of their product, because they've been busy the last six months working on a new CAMEL spokes-cartoon: Toby the jovial tobacco leaf, who loves to give good little boys and girls free malt balls. "We're going to initiate focus groups right away that deal solely with this new smoking method," said the smokesperson. "It could become just the trend we're looking for to capture the spirit of a whole new generation of chil--, uh, smokers." © DRUDGE RETORT 1998 |