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XXXXX DRUDGE RETORT XXXXX 09:17:11 UTC THU AUG 27 1998 XXXXX CDC Issues Advisory Regarding Smoking of Presidential Cigars!
DRUDGE RETORT Revolting new details of the president's sex life aren't the only thing that's emerging from the White House this afternoon. There also is a hastily composed Centers for Disease Control advisory urging Americans not to smoke any cigars received from the Executive Office of the President. "These cigars have been linked to outbreaks of chlamydia and human papillomavirus at the Democratic Leadership Council, Rep. Dick Armey's office and the Washington bureau of FoxNews," according to CDC spokesman Tom Skinner in Atlanta. "Plus, they're totally rank." This warning comes on the heels of news that Monica Lewinsky may be the world's worst self-taught cigar smoker. Lewinsky, under the purview of President Clinton, removed a ring from around his cigar using nothing but the muscles "down there," according to her testimony given before the grand jury, Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr and a couple of tourists who just asked her for directions to the Washington Monument. The event was made possible by Kegels, the exercise that strengthens sexual gratification, child birthing and hands-free bottle opening. "Monica's Kegels are better defined than Mark McGwire's biceps," the RETORT was told by source with a working knowledge of Lewinsky's orifice. "Like McGwire, she has the ability to go deep at any time." The September issue of CIGAR AFICIONADO, set to arrive in stores on Saturday after being delayed for one week, will report that the cigar Lewinsky inhaled was a QUINTERO BREVA: a Cuban cigar! These products have been banned from sale in the U.S. since the Cuban embargo of 1963. Ironically, it was imposed by President John F. Kennedy, the biggest White House importer of cigars and whores until Clinton took office. [CIGAR AFICIONADO's September issue was delayed by Hell Storm Bonnie, which beat the bejeezus out of the magazine's hot-type letterpress in Kill Devil Hills, N.C., before being downgraded to a heck storm by the National Weather Center at 9:19 UTC Thursday.] Although Lewinsky's trick may be a first for the Beltway, it's old news in other parts of the nation. "We see the cigar trick every now and then," a recruiter for the Flashdancers topless club in New York told AFICIONADO. "It's usually among the repertoire of OUR HAVANA GIRLS." [They do an impressive banana thing too.] "The implications are startling," gushed CNBC host and O.J. Simpson conspiracy theorist Marcia Clark. "Monica Lewinsky -- if that is her real name -- could very easily be a well-placed agent of Fidel Castro. I'd like to take a close look at how she smuggles these cigars into the country." A poorly placed source at the Office of the Independent Council confirmed that Kenneth Starr's forthcoming report will recommend that the matter be investigated by the House Committee on Un-American Activities. Former HUAC committee member Richard Nixon did not return any calls placed by the DRUDGE RETORT. © DRUDGE RETORT 1998 |