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XXXXX DRUDGE RETORT XXXXX 18:45:47 UTC MON AUG 17 1998 XXXXX Clinton Offers Blow-by-Blow Testimony of Lewinsky Affair!
By Jonathan Bourne Mon Aug 17 1998 14:45:47 ET -- In a serious blow to his presidency, Bill Clinton has admitted under oath to receiving oral sex from former White House intern Monica S. Lewinsky. This stunner was leaked to the DRUDGE RETORT by an anonymous source close to the grand jury who could only be identified as "the bailiff." Clinton's admission that he played trailer hitch to Lewinsky's chrome removal service has opened a door that neither the president nor his top aides ever anticipated. The Washington sodomy law. Upheld by the 1986 Supreme Court decision Bowers v. Hardwick, this "crime against nature" law comes with a fine of $1,000 and a maximum sentence of 10 years in prison! Although sending a sodomite to prison is comparable to sentencing marijuana smokers to a Grateful Dead concert, the Washington police are pursuing the case. When reached for comment, respected former DC Chief of Police Larry Soulsby explained, "The Washington police don't take sodomy sitting down. The president has confessed to a crime, and the matter has already been referred to our Sodomy and Erotic Anomalies Division." Response came swiftly from the White House. According to notes obtained from a misplaced MEAD TRAPPER KEEPER owned by vexing NBC correspondent Claire Shipman, White House Deputy Press Secretary Joe Lockhart made the following off-the-record remark on deep background and strictly not-for-attribution: "shit." It certainly has hit the fan in the Beltway. The fecal matter looks so bad that Vice President Al Gore has cut short his Hawaiian vacation to return to Washington. The vice president, in a fax retrieved from the recycle bin of the Honolulu Kinko's on Kapiolani Boulevard, wrote the following to his press secretary, Ginny Terzano: "Ginny -- Must alert media that Tipper + I have never done anything remotely like that. Casually mention that we've never even experimented with her on top -- Essential 2 stress we R strictly missionary." Not since Barbara Bush admitted to the Millie-Peanut Butter Incident has any White House resident come close to being prosecuted for a blue law. [Bush could not be prosecuted because her actions are still not illegal under the laws of her home state of Texas.] Clinton has no such escape in an anti-buggering jurisdiction such as the nation's capitol. Former presidential advisor Dick Morris is telling anyone who will listen that Clinton will attempt to serve out the rest of his term while in jail. Others see differently. White House Curator Rex Scouten told a BETTER HOMES & GARDENS reporter on Monday afternoon that Tipper Gore has already consulted a decorator. "This is certainly a tight squeeze," a knowing Helen Thomas confided to the RETORT. "But President Clinton has been in a lot of tight squeezes." Developing... © DRUDGE RETORT 1998 |