|
XXXXX DRUDGE RETORT XXXXX 14:59:54 UTC FRI AUG 14 1998 XXXXX Unberievable News: Euthanasia of Youth in Asia!
DRUDGE RETORT BEIJING -- Only two days after the scientists at the People's Institute of Eugenics stunned the world with their discovery of the gene that causes dissident political behavior, the magazine TEEN PEOPLE is poised to report on another world shocker from China. In a move that has such human rights groups as the Beastie Boys seeing red, Chinese Minister of Public Security Xiao Ling told TEEN PEOPLE that all children under the age of three who test positive for the maleficent DNA will have a fast-acting toxin placed in their pabulum. Ling's answer to the nation's potentially numerous pro-democratic progeny may seem extreme to those of us in the West. But from Shanghai to Manchuria, Chinese are cheering this racial cleansing as the final solution for sociopathic scions who must be put out of their anti-collective collective misery. As for Communist comrades beyond their toddler years, the Chinese government plans a forced march to Hong Kong. Those that survive the grueling trek will be used as extras in explosion scenes of the loosely-regulated chopsocky film industry. Reaction from all corners of the globe was swift. Amnesty International is protesting this slaughter by having middle-class Caucasians in the U.S. and Europe sign postcards and petitions to assuage their guilt. Amnesty will then send these documents to a recycling plant where they will be turned into grocery bags for an organic foods market in Boulder, Colo. The President Gephardt 2000 Committee, perhaps misconstruing the Mandarin use of the word "democratic," offered to airlift out any "pro-democratic Chinese youth" who will be of voting age by the primaries. The committee will find these children foster homes in New Hampshire or Iowa. Microsoft founder Bill Gates looks at this latest bit of Sino-Social Darwinism as a courageous step by the Chinese leaders towards normalizing relations with the United States. Speaking to the DRUDGE RETORT through Microsoft NetMeeting software, Gates said, "The amount of time the State Department wastes on China's political prisoners can now be better spent bitching and moaning about them pirating my software!" NetMeeting crashed before the RETORT was able to ask a followup question. © DRUDGE RETORT 1998 |