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XXXXX DRUDGE RETORT XXXXX 16:12:20 UTC WED AUG 12 1998 XXXXX Exclusive: Video of Lewinsky's Messy Dress Spills onto MTV!
By Jonathan Bourne and Rogers Cadenhead No one can say that President Clinton isn't creating jobs. Vanity, the cone-breasted recording artist who rocketed to fame after sexing up the Artist Formerly Known as Prince, is making a triumphant return to his Paisley Park Studios in Chanhassen, Minn. The January 1999 issue of SPIN magazine will trumpet the following story: Vanity is recording a remake of her hit single, "(Such a) Pretty Mess." An advance copy of the article was received by the DRUDGE RETORT. The song, which features the lines "such a pretty mess, you made such a pretty mess on my dress," is being released as a Clinton Administration Commemorative Edition, SPIN spills.  Former sex partners Prince and Vanity According to several experts contacted by the DRUDGE RETORT, the lyrics are a reference to oral sodomy, a sex practice that has become popularized in recent weeks due to widespread coverage of the White House scandals. Paisley Park is producing a video of the "(Such a) Pretty Mess" that will feature an appearance by Monica Lewinsky, the former special assistant to the White House in the Office of Presidential Affairs. Lewinsky, hard-pressed for hard currency to pay her high-priced Beltway barristers, will don a replica of her stained Navy blue Gap dress in exchange for one million greenbacks. The video's director, Hype Williams, told the RETORT, "We talked to Mon, and she tight, G. She tight. So y'all can just step off, a-ight?" [A translated copy of his remarks will be available forthwith...] Williams said that the stain will be portrayed by a dollop of I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT BUTTER! that has been computer-enhanced by the special-effects wizards at PIXAR ANIMATION STUDIOS. Vanity, a born-again Christian in recent years who has fought through drug addiction, kidney troubles and dry unmanageable hair, has a reputation to overcome. Many people group her with other performers who became famous immediately after they shared Prince's bed. "I'm not like Apollonia, Susanna Hoffs or Michael Bolton," Vanity told SPIN. "For one thing, I'm a better dancer." X X X X X Other savvy marketers generating cabbage off of the presidential scandal include University Games, the toy company that manufactures the popular plaything Shrinky Dinks. An "Eyes Only" company project schedule obtained by the DRUDGE RETORT reveals that University Games will introduce the BILL CLINTON STAINED GLASS WINDOW KIT in early September. This "adult toy" will be available for purchase at all Spencer Gifts, Le Sex Shoppe stores and the Adam & Eve mail order catalog. Another upcoming project is SHE WORE A PEARL NECKLACE: TEACHING YOUR CHILDREN ABOUT BLOWJOBS, a parenting guide by Judy Blume from Delacorte Press. It's truly capitalism at its sickening worst. [Incidentally, drop a line to the DRUDGE RETORT if you'd like to be the first on your block to own an official "I was subpoenaed by Kenneth Starr and all I got was this lousy T-shirt" beefy tee. Available in large, extra-large and fat-ass.] © DRUDGE RETORT 1998 |