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XXXXX DRUDGE RETORT XXXXX 14:17:59 UTC MON AUG 10 1998 XXXXX Prez Sez, 'What if God Was One of Us -- On Staff?'!
DRUDGE RETORT Mon Aug 10 1998 10:17:59 ET -- After the courts have dealt two strikes against executive privilege, the White House is embarking on a plan that observers are calling "heaven sent." Three-and-a-half minutes before any other source, the DRUDGE RETORT revealed the high court's kibosh on the notion of privilege between President Clinton and the Secret Service. Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr forced Clinton's official detail to spit out the details of Monica Lewinsky's late-night White House booty calls. Strike one, Bill! The Supreme Umps then ruled that Bill's private on-the-mound chats with his government-paid lawyers aren't covered by attorney-client privilege either. Strike two! To whom on the Hill can Bill spill? There's only one person left who could prick up his ears to Clinton's confidential confessions. His priest. According to an internal White House memo obtained by the SACRAMENTO BEE and photocopied in triplicate by the DRUDGE RETORT: "All White House employees who intend to have any verbal communication with the president will first be required to become an ordained minister of the Universal Life Church." The entire White House staff is to become ordained by the mail-order priesthood, which also accepts clergy over the World Wide Web at http://www.ulc.org/ulc/ordain.html. The idea came from the president himself, discovered in the back of his well-thumbed subscription copy of ROLLING STONE [the issue in which Laetitia Casta poses nude in an obviously cold room]. Any legal beagle will tell you that conversations between a person and his padre are protected as privileged. Deputy White House counsel Bruce Lindsey, who requested anonymity, told the RETORT, "We considered making the entire staff into 'presidential psychologists,' but we just didn't have the time or money to enroll everyone in med school. On the other hand, the Universal Life Church offers clericalisms in the ROLLING STONE classifieds for about a double sawbuck." The divine idea has Sin City pundits in awe and religious leaders hot under the collar. "This is an outrage! He's making a mockery of organized religion," former televangelist Jim Bakker said. "To blatantly use God that way by furthering your own cause is absolutely sinful," agreed the Rev. Oral Roberts, who added that God will call him home if Oral Roberts University doesn't win at least 20 games this year in basketball. One thing's for sure: After years of acting like it, the Clinton White House soon will truly be Holier Than Thou. © DRUDGE RETORT 1998 |