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XXXXX DRUDGE RETORT XXXXX 11:19:28 UTC MON AUG 3 1998 XXXXX Can't Find President's Stolen Sperm, White House Aides Ejaculate!
By Rogers Cadenhead In a story that has unknown significance to the ongoing Clinton-Lewinsky investigation, the White House is leaking details about a 10-month-old theft of two vials containing President Clinton's sperm, according to an AGENCE FRANCE-PRESSE story advanced to the DRUDGE RETORT. Weaving a tale reminiscent of a Michael Crichton novel [but with masturbation], AFP is slated to drop the following bomb on Tuesday: A supercooled Samsonite suitcase containing two tubes of testicular torrent was swiped from the president's limo in the parking lot of Fort Marcy Park on the Potomac River. "We have no idea why it was taken!" So says a well-placed source awakened with the news Monday morning by the DRUDGE RETORT. "I would hate to think what would happen if his semen ended up in the wrong hands." Longtime readers can attest to this reporter's skeptical eye, but the French appear to have done their homework on this one. At the behest of the RETORT, the U.S. Park Police produced documented reports filed on Sept. 31, 1997, that corroborate the wire story completely. Clinton routinely sends out samples of his bodily fluids in response to paternity lawsuits originating from overnight stops on his 1996 re-election campaign, former presidential advisor Dick Morris revealed to the French wire. A worker at a lab which receives a FedEx box of presidential essence every few weeks said, "Normally, we only ask for blood. Clinton insists on sending sperm each time." [That self-same worker confessed to running a sperm count on the fluid in the interest of science. He marvelled at the commander in chief's truly honorable discharge: Clinton's tally tally of 170 million sperm per ejaculatory milliliter breaks the GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS mark previously held by Los Angeles Dodgers great Steve Garvey. "The First Lady must have one hell of a mucous barrier."] Fortunately for the world, the president's other suitcase wasn't around to be stolen. The "football," as the press dubs the case carrying launch codes necessary to fire off the nation's arsenal of nuclear weapons, was misplaced before the Marcy Park outing. An aide found it later in the Lincoln Bedroom closet, stored with the games TWISTER! and PASS-OUT. If you see two vials of sperm, Washingtonians -- don't mistake them for crack cocaine! Turn the sperm in to lost-and-found at any U.S. Park Police office for a tidy reward... © DRUDGE RETORT 2001 |